Instructions For Your Upcoming Stay At My Illegal Airbnb
Climb the fire escape, disable the alarm on the third floor window, and wiggle your way in. You’ve arrived!
Thanks so much for booking with me! This city is a true hidden gem, with a colorful history that includes a recent surge of unauthorized short-term rentals — a history that you now get to be a part of! There are just a few things to remember to ensure your stay at my illegal Airbnb is a great one.
My apartment is located in the heart of the city — just a five minute light jog from the metro! The subway system is simple to navigate, but you never know who’s watching, so I’ve arranged for an unmarked cab to pick you up at the airport and drop you off at an underpass 12 blocks from the apartment. Your driver, Storm, recently had his license revoked and he’s pretty touchy about it so please don’t mention it.
There’s an entrance to the building conveniently located on Western Avenue. DON’T USE THAT ONE. Hop the fence to the back garden and crawl through the stinging nettles. Next to the rear door, you’ll see a few rocks. You know those fake rocks that are hollowed out so you can hide a key inside? Well, these are just regular rocks. But you can use one to smash the glass pane in the door and enter by force. Once inside, you’ll find that the building is filled with loads of friendly tenants. DON’T TALK TO THEM. Especially NOT Chuck or Barbara. Just take the elevator up to the roof, climb down the fire escape, disable the alarm on the third floor window, and wiggle your way in. You’ve arrived!
You have the full apartment to yourself between the hours of 11pm and 9am. Outside of these hours, you’ll be confined to a silent existence in the small bedroom. Enjoy a peaceful slumber on the vintage race car bed, which is part of the room’s original decor and once belonged to my cool, older cousin, Jack. Should the need arise, there’s a “pee jar” in the closet for your convenience. JUST DON’T MAKE ANY NOISE! Chuck and Barbara are always listening.
Network: I’m Not Running An Illegal Airbnb
At some point during your stay, Chuck and Barbara may pound on the bedroom door and demand that you open up right this instant. This is to be expected since they technically own the apartment, and they technically are my parents. If this happens, put a pillow over your face to muffle your voice and yell out, “Can’t talk now, Mom and Dad! I’m filling out job applications!” If they reply, “Joshua, you’re not trying to rent out the family home as an illegal Airbnb again, are you? You’re 23! It’s time to get a real job!” just yell back through the pillow, “You’re delusional! I haven’t done that in MONTHS!”
If the cops come
The cops have tried to bust this operation before, and they’re bound to try again. But you can’t let them succeed because if they do I will be GROUNDED. And also, arrested. If and when the cops come, squeeze into the trunk of the race car bed and hide there until they leave. Don’t forget to take the pee jar — you’ll be glad to have it.
Should you make it this far into your stay, check-out is at 6:57am, after Chuck locks himself in the bathroom with an issue of Architectural Digest, but before Barbara’s nightly dose of ZzzQuil tapers off. Storm will pull his station wagon around the front and slow down just enough for you to dive in through the open back window. He will not come back for you if you miss.
I hope you enjoy your stay!