FOR LOVE OR PEANUT BUTTER
Introducing: For Love Or Peanut Butter
Would you give up peanut butter for love? Sorry: could you give up peanut butter for love?
Yes, that’s the kind of critical thinking we’ll be doing in this column.
(If you have a peanut allergy, or don’t like peanut butter — WTF, BTW — simply substitute your favorite snack to shovel into your mouth with a spoon straight from the jar while standing in the kitchen. Or cheese.)
Anyway, could you give up peanut butter for love? I started seeing someone who has a life-threatening peanut allergy. As in, if I eat peanut butter and then accidentally kiss him, his throat will close up. And then guess who’ll be in charge of stabbing the EpiPen deep into his loins? Me. Exactly.
So, it’s either spooning my organic, creamy, salted peanut butter into my mouth or getting spooned by my living, breathing, unsalted boy toy. I simply cannot have both.
I’m aware that I sound nuts (couldn’t help myself), but cut me some slack. I’ve been dating in Los Angeles for the last decade (yes, DECADE), and I only just now realized that every love story has its peanut butter. That’s right. Every relationship, long or short-lived, near or far, functional or dumpster fire, requires at least a little sacrifice.
It’s not typically as simple as peanut butter though, and if that’s the toughest thing I have to give up this time I’ll consider myself very lucky. In the past I’ve given up a LOT to other failed relationships, then severely overcorrected and refused to give an inch in others, which may or may not have contributed to me remaining single well into my thirties.
Was that my plan? No. If you told ten-year-old Kelly that she would be unwed and childless at 35 would she be thrilled? No. Do I have some amusing yet soul-crushing stories to share? Absolutely.
But wait, if I’ve been dating for this long without finding my person, doesn’t that mean I’m bad at it? What wisdom could I possibly have to impart to my potential readers? Aren’t I just a cautionary tale?
Possibly. But personally, I think cautionary tales are kinda fun, and some of them are personal heroes of mine. Every group of friends needs their Samantha Jones…