Hey, Boomers, hey, Millennials, quick question: who do you hate the most? Could it be that kid in your office who never listens to your entirely valid observations that coffee is too damn fancy these days? Or is it the old fart at work who won’t shut up about how the Hazelnut Vanilla Mocha pour-over is a “goddamn travesty”? Whomever you chose, we’ve got news for you: you don’t really hate them. You just hate everything about them. You see, your hatred is based on what we call a generational divide. That’s right — it’s not your personalities that are keeping you from getting along with each other. It’s your basic inability to understand that people born at different times in history naturally see things differently.
Did we just blow your mind? Never thought of it that way before, huh? Well, that kind of insight is what we offer here at Generation X Mediation Services, or as we like to call ourselves, GenXMed. We’re a boutique start-up counseling service with a mission: we repair relationships between Millennials and Boomers. Hire us, and soon you’ll be talking amicably with your worst enemies on topics ranging from vinyl records to Peter Jennings to the pleasures of old-timey shaving services. We do more than build bridges at GenXMed: We are the bridge between the generations.
You see, everyone employed here was born between 1961 and 1981, making us — you guessed it! — Generation Xers. Thus, GenXMed is uniquely positioned to understand both Boomers and Millennials. We’re like the delicious creamy filling to your crumbly and unpleasantly gritty chocolate cookies. You’re our beloved, if now always cranky parents, and our adored, if unjustifiably self-confident children. We understand that our designated place in life is between you two, always at your service and with no real opportunity to act out ourselves, since everyone’s decided we’ll just keep the world spinning while Boomers and Millennials have melt-downs and take time for self-care. And of course, we instinctively want to do our best for you, the folks we need to get situated in a nursing home without too much fuss, and the people we need to set up apps on our phone without mocking us. Your demands are our needs, it seems, and that makes us the mediation service for you!
So, how do we work our magic? Well, that’s a proprietary secret, but we can tell you that it usually involves working incredibly hard without much credit, acknowledgement, or praise. To give you a taste of what we offer, take a look at some of our proven techniques. We help you:
· Find Commonality. We encourage you to find things you share despite your age differences, such as a fondness for Dolly Parton, or a willingness to let your 45-year-old daughter/mother take care of all household tasks.
· Address Differences. Sure, one of you spends all of your time with your face in your phone, and the other nodding off or actually asleep, but the truth is you’re both not really participating in life, so that’s something you actually share!
· Embrace Variety. The most important part of our service is to help you each see that the other one is inherently substandard and thus can be tolerated with barely hidden condescension until they grow out of it or die.
So whatever it is you need, GenXMed can probably provide it for you, so long as you don’t need it the night the Backstreet Boys reunion tour is in town. That concert is a special event, just for us Gen Xers, so it would be great if for once we could enjoy a night out without someone calling in a panic from the school, hospital, or jail, for God’s sake. Is just one night — no, more like, a four-hour segment of one night — with our friends really too much to ask, Boomers and Millennials? Really?!
Oh, who are we kidding. We’ll answer, no matter when you call. We’re GenXMed. Like it or not, and against our own self-interest, we’re apparently always here for you.