Introducing Marvel’s Newest Avenger: Instagram-Man
In anticipation of Avengers Infinity Wars, we here at Marvel wanted to give you a sneak peek into the next generation of Marvel superheroes. We listened to our fans and we’re excited to unveil our newest Avenger: Instagram-Man.
He doesn’t do much, but he’s somewhat decent at photo filters.
Real Name: Todd
Date of Birth: June 24, 1998
Occupation: Professional Millennial
Capturing the Moment
Neither lethal nor inviting, Instagram-Man possesses the power of politely asking superheroes to pause for a group photo, which usually just involves them jumping. Seemingly innocent, this request taps into the vanity of any supervillain, even the ugly ones. In fact, Instagram-Man once distracted Thanos by convincing the purple Bruce Willis lookalike to pose in front of a rustic yellow wall for his new Facebook profile pic.
Recording Everything, Just In Case
No Avenger is better equipped than Instagram-Man at cataloging every mundane event in 1080p. Armed with an iPhone X, Instagram-Man has the collective memory of 128 GB or however much space is available on Instagram’s servers. From videos to Instagram Stories, Instagram-Man can, at a moment’s notice, take upwards of up to one minute to scroll through his library to find that one Boomerang clip of Captain America eating falafel just in case anybody was interested. Nobody is.
Wand of Brief Confusion Inherited From the God of Sepia
Given to superheroes who have too much time on their hands, the Wand of Brief Confusion endows the wielder to cast a two second Sepia filter over reality, which is just enough time for bystanders to pause and look around in a state of utter disgust. Instagram-Man is the only Avenger tasteless enough to wield this weapon of zero destruction, distorting reality’s color tones to be so cringe-worthy that, to avoid living in that reality, several people have killed themselves.
Inability to Live in the Moment
Despite possessing the godlike strength of being glued to his iPhone, Instagram-Man suffers from a chronic condition of being unable to live in the moment. Walking down the street, standing in line, or while having sex, Instagram-Man cannot help himself but pull to refresh. Some say this is his kryptonite. Others just shove him away when he accidentally walks into them while looking down at his iPhone.
Anxiety If Instagram Post Gets Less Than Ten Likes
With the entire world not following him on Instagram, Instagram-Man is susceptible to anxiety if his post gets less than ten likes. This condition often leads to an increase in heart palpitations and, in many cases, drives him into a prolonged state of mania. This usually forces him to re-edit the caption with more attention-grabbing hashtags. Most of the time, he just deletes the post.
Todd, Instagram-Man’s real life persona, lives with his parents. A professional millennial, Todd has struggled to graduate high school. The closest Todd has come to being productive was that one time he deleted Instagram in a flurry of self-loathing, vowing to shed his superhero identity forever. But ten minutes later, he reinstalled it. Todd has four followers.