Introducing MomE, The Virtual Assistant That’s Unhappy With Your Life Choices

You’re more than a customer to us — you’re part of a family that judges your every move

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Other virtual assistants tell you what you want to know. MomE tells you what you need to hear. Its advanced AI collects your personal information to gain an intimate knowledge of your failures. Then it targets your most vulnerable insecurities, shaming you into achieving your goals.

MomE communicates with all the passive-aggressive manipulation of a real human being. Instead of unrealistically supportive devices like that sycophantic Alexa, MomE mimics a real parent who doesn’t hide their disappointment.

The moment your MomE arrives, it’s up in your business. Our Bluetooth-enabled system connects to every device you didn’t know it could infiltrate, collecting data to use against you.

MomE reminds you of upcoming appointments, errands on your to-do list, and times you should have asked MomE’s advice before you did something stupid. It even updates your dating profiles, so you can stop wasting time with those losers you’ve been seeing.

In order to hear your voice instructions, all conversations in your home will be recorded to show how badly you handled them. MomE can respond to an array of voice commands, such as “MomE, turn out the lights,” but it may also ignore you if it’s disgusted with your attitude.

Need restaurant suggestions? MomE finds places to start that diet it thinks you need, and even compliments the skinny girl you hated in high school.

When you’re out of voice range, you can hear MomE criticize your decisions through its mobile app. If you’re on a date, for example, and want to check your home security system, you can do it through the app. If MomE disapproves of your date, it will issue an alert through the app, like an extremely loud “You have herpes!” medical warning, or “Your ex is outside your apartment!” danger alert. You can even thank MomE through the app, admitting it knows what’s best for you.

Safeguarding the privacy of your personal data is our highest priority. Your most intimate secrets will be stored on our secure servers, only accessible to…