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Introducing VaxPass, The Pass That Lets You Skip The Vaccine Line

From Pfizer comes the product everybody is calling “Unfair!”

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Hey you! Are you sick and tired of sitting at home, safe and sound in your gated mansion? Frustrated with waiting in a hypothetical line voted on by the CDC that allows “other people” who most likely studied at Phoenix University to get things before you? Are you ready to get back to yelling at the Le Chateaubriand waitress, but this time, mask-less? What if we told you that you could SKIP that line, and get the COVID-19 vaccine before all of the people who truly need it? From Pfizer comes the product everybody is calling “Unfair!” — it’s VaxPass, the 21st century version of buying your freedom.

VaxPass combines the thrill of having money to the witchcraft healing powers of the vaccine with its quick and easy vaccination process. First, have your valet pick up the VaxPass on their way home from fetching your dry cleaning for the upcoming country club winter ball. Have your butler accompany you with your confirmation email or QR code to your local CVS. There will be signage indicating a separate line for VaxPass recipients, so you can distance yourself from the poor. After that, the process is simple! Once you’re vaccinated and your tracker is implanted in you, just scan your wrist at the entrance of your horse racing track and voila! You’re in, and you’re ready to have some fun for the whole family. All this, for the price of $12,000.99!

But wait…there’s more! Have your personal assistant call and order right now, and we’ll throw in a second VaxPass free, so that you can safely socialize with one other person at that horse race we mentioned! Or, celebrate your newfound freedom with the whole family by purchasing the VaxPass+ Family Pack for a family of four for $35,000.99. And, for every purchase of a VaxPass, we’ll send you a photo of an essential worker whose spot you took in line.

And don’t just take what I’m saying seriously because I’m extremely handsome, confident, and reading off a script at gunpoint. See what VaxPass customers have to say about its life-changing innovation, like Robin, a socialite mother of three: “We were going to wait until it was our turn in the spring and let the essential workers and the elderly get those shots first, but why wait? No one has had a harder time during the pandemic than me and my gorgeous sons. We were supposed to go to our usual five-star resort in Hawaii this year and we still did, but people were giving us a hard time about the whole thing. Now, our lives are back to normal! Thanks VaxPass!”

VaxPass isn’t just for families, it can transform single people too, like Mark. “Because of the pandemic and strict social distancing guidelines, I couldn’t have sex at all. And thanks to VaxPass, I now have the option to, if you know, anyone is interested.” That’s great, Mark. See? VaxPass can change lives no matter who you are.

Now let’s get to the boring, legal stuff. Tell your lawyers, stop being such a nervous Nellie! A doctor must prescribe you VaxPass before you get it, but it’s those doctors that prescribe opioids so you’re fine. VaxPass gives priority to rich, extremely good looking people first due to how essential they are during these times. Side effects of VaxPass may include judgment from servants, being cancelled, and for some, diarrhea.

They say there are no shortcuts in life. Well sir, the people who said that died waiting in line from coronavirus. So what are you waiting for? Open your real Italian leather wallets, raise your Armani sleeve, then raise your champagne flute and get your VaxPass today.

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Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman

Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman

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Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman are both Chicago-based humor writers. You can contact them at kappstillmansatire@gmail.com.