Is Everybody Mad That I Ate (a Variety of Eggs for) Lunch at My Desk?

Illustration by Emily Clouse

August 10 | 2:59 p.m.

Hey all,

I hope this email finds you well. I’m writing because I feel like everyone has been acting really unfairly towards me ever since I ate five eggs for lunch at my desk today.

I checked the handbook, and there’s nothing that says I’m not allowed to eat eggs for lunch at my desk, nor that they each must be cooked in a specific way. In fact, eggs are never mentioned in the handbook at all, so I’m not sure what the big deal is.

Because there seem to be a lot of rumors circulating about my eggs, I just want to clear the air. They were:

• 1 hard boiled
• 1 hard scrambled
• 1 fried
• 1 over easy
• 1 (very) SOFT boiled

I would now like to address the appalling rumors circulating about the manner in which I ate my working-lunch eggs.

These vicious attacks to my character have seemingly reached every department — including digital media. As an actual team player, I DO check our company Twitter, and I know the stock photo of an egg captioned “It’s Friday! Crack open a cold one!” was making fun of me personally. I don’t really understand that type of humor, but that’s…