Is It Weird If I Ask You Out? Yes, It’s Me From The Search Party
Listen, I’m sure this is a little weird, but I’ve had a great time today. Wandering this swamp with you, talking, shouting, searching under piles of leaves — it’s been wonderful. I know we hardly know each other and this might seem straight out of left field, but — do you have any plans tonight? Of course, I mean after we find this missing kid.
See, I’ve had a little crush on you all day. Since I first caught sight of you in line for high visibility vests and cocoa — I have been stricken. It’s a bit embarrassing to admit, but I even switched to Group Alpha just to get a chance to talk to you. When Denise asked why I wanted to switch I said — true love. Then Denise said, “Are you fucking serious Gary? This is a search party.” Tale as old as time.
No, I agree. We probably should keep our focus on finding Aiden. Adam — exactly. That’s what I said. To be fair, it is easy to get distracted — your voice is so beautiful. Be honest, are you a singer? The way you shout “ADAM!” or “ADAM WHERE ARE YOU!” It’s effortless. It’s breathtaking. Poor choice of words? Sorry. I just mean that I don’t want it to end. Honestly, I’m psyched we haven’t found this kid yet.
Kidding, of course. Did I mention you have amazing style? The way you paired muck boots with yoga pants? Not everyone can pull that look off. I was so distracted earlier that I tripped over that log. I was pretty embarrassed until you spoke the first words you’d ever say to me, “Holy shit. Get off that log — I think it’s a person.” Luckily it was actually a different, unrelated dead body, but still — a great story for our grandkids.
Hey, remember when we thought we found the severed toe of that log-corpse? We both reached to grab it at the same time and bumped our heads? Mamma mia — talk about a meet-cute! Then the toe sprouted insect wings and flew away? Magical. Ha, they should really stop dumping chemical waste into this swamp.
Yes — I can be quieter. Geez, I’m guessing you’re a Libra? Makes sense. You’re so focused and structured. You’d partner well with an Aries like me. Oh, Adam was a Cancer? Yeah, that makes sense. Cancers — “everything’s got to be about them” — am I right?
Oh, Adam had cancer. Jesus. Was it from the swamp? Oh. Well, I’m glad he’s okay. Right — besides the whole kidnapping thing.
Still, I can feel romance is in the air. Remember when I brushed those Toe Bugs from your hair? Our eyes locked. Your face flushed. My heart stopped. Your pupils dilated. I fainted in a cold heap. Sure — in retrospect, they were all symptoms of the Toe Bug venom, but still — wasn’t it magical?
I don’t know if it’s the venom talking or I’m just a romantic, but I think my heart is speaking to me. Listen. It’s saying, “Help me! I’ve been taken.” It’s true, you little love thief. Now, it’s yelling, “Help me! I’m trapped in this cave.” Ha, my heart is weird.
Sorry if this whole thing is uncomfortable. It’s just that you’re so different from the other girls. A minute ago, when everyone was gathered around the body, they all said the same old thing: Adam — keep breathing, help is on the way, or Adam, stay with us. You were different. You said, “Adam, who did this to you?” So smart to try and flush out a suspect while he was still conscious. A girl with brains and beauty? Que magnifico! Although, I’ll admit it was a little jarring when Adam pointed directly at me.
It’s time to turn in our safety whistles and radios and I can’t help but feel sad. I’m glad my alibi cleared my name, but it’s dusk on a whirlwind romance. And a quiet end to those rumors that I have been “kidnapping people as a way to meet women.” I wish we had more time, but Officer Dupratski “has some more questions for me.” I know I must look pretty important, but — gosh, I’d rather stay with you.
I know you said no to dinner, but, well — I heard there’s a jogger missing up in Greenhook. Maybe if you’re not busy next weekend — and they haven’t found his body by then — we could meet up and do this again? Of course, I’m serious Silly! If it means I get to see you again, I hope this guy never gets caught.
