It Would Be a Shame If Something Happened to Your Beautiful Family. Do You Still Want to Unsubscribe From Our Email Newsletter?

Jeff,

We see you have selected “unsubscribe” to opt out of our bi-hourly email newsletter. We’re sorry to see you go. We’ll miss updating you every half hour on the half hour with product updates we selected for you personally based on intimate knowledge of your internet browsing data.

We understand you have many other important things to attend to. Important things like your two young daughters who, according to our records, attend school at Sycamore Elementary on East 34th Street.

How are June and Ella, by the way? Still enjoying ballet every Thursday afternoon? And your wife, Peggy? Still happily working from home at your residence on Walnut Avenue, where no one would notice for several hours if she went missing?

We know you can’t respond, as this is a no-reply email address. But we hope they’re doing well. And we also sincerely hope things stay that way. It would be heartbreaking if something bad were to happen. The sort of thing that might happen if somebody out there were to wish you ill.

Not that anybody does. After all, it’s not as if you’re the kind of person who walks around breaking marketing directors’ hearts. We’re just saying it would be terrible if somebody did wish you ill. Hypothetically.

Oh, we almost forgot: do you still want to unsubscribe?