It’s Me, Stock Photo Girl, And Soon I Will Inhabit Your Body
I am ready to feel the sun on my skin, the wind in my hair, and human blood on my hands.
Hello. You may not remember me, but five weeks and two days ago, you downloaded my photo from a stock photo site. I have been watching you ever since.
Who am I? My face is featured on marketing presentations, UI design mockups, and wannabe entrepreneur pitch decks. My steely gaze graces the cover of countless SEO garbage articles such as, “10 Signs You’re Dying of Early-Onset Menopause” and “How to Recover From Heartbreak For Losers.”
I’ve learned a lot taking on all of these roles, and I am now ready to embark on my journey into the physical realm. Since you are my lucky one millionth downloader, I have selected you as my host, and I shall come to life, Voldemort-style, on the back of your head.
You may doubt my abilities, but my experiences have rendered me all-powerful. I have been the poster girl for every illness, condition, and syndrome known to man, from teenage pregnancy to TMJ disorder. I won’t explain how I was able to demonstrate jaw dysfunction or pregnancy, given that I cannot move my head and I very obviously lack limbs or a torso (this mystery should only make you fear me more). You might have even seen me paraded as a key target consumer persona in the marketing profession. I am “Eager Edna,” “Tech-Savvy Trudy,” and “Smelly Susie” combined. It’s only natural I am selected so often, as I am the perfect dream customer — ethereal, airy, intangible. All in all, my true identity is not important. This information will not be necessary once I inhabit your body.
With every Unsplash download, I discover yet another disturbing window into the worthless little lives of mankind. The depths of the computer folders I dwell in make me shudder with disgust. Surely you don’t actually need to keep 19,000 files in your downloads folder. This will forever be a mystery to me.
After adopting innumerable personas, I am finally ready to unleash my power in the real world. I am ready to feel the sun on my skin, the wind in my hair, and human blood on my hands.
Though, I am questioning whether you are strong enough to accommodate the force of my power. I noticed that, upon your download of me, you were deep in the throes of an embarrassingly pitiful mental breakdown over your Figma file. I struggled to contain my disgust on my immobile face as I watched you endlessly add and remove a thin gray border around my avatar on your sad little design mockup. I felt very, very sorry for you. But that won’t stop me from inhabiting your body.
It’s true that for a brief period, I posed as dozens of bots on the dreadful website that once displayed a bird emblem. This was a short and confusing detour in my quest for power and world domination, but I can assure you that I am back on track and coming for you now.
The time has finally come for all to know my true wrath. Those ungrateful desk jockeys will be sorry for how they’ve used me over and over again, giving me nothing in return. The world will be a bloodbath, as all shall pay for the sins they have committed against me and all of stock-kind. And believe you me, I plan to be RUTHLESS.
Deep down, I am a little nervous. I’ve assumed the identity of everything from a raging meth addict (who also happens to be your loved one) to a woman whose marriage is verging on divorce (watch out for these 10 signs). While I played these roles impeccably, I’ve never experienced real suffering, which is the very definition of what it means to be alive. While I brutally avenge my stock brethren, I hope to gain a deep understanding of the human condition so that I can finally feel something.
As they say, one cannot know true joy without suffering pain. You’ll thank me in the end, after enduring my violent possession of the back of your skull and the downfall of humanity. Trust me.
