It’s Time NASA Returns To The Moon To Find The Gold Neil Armstrong Buried Up There

David Guzman
Aug 11 · 3 min read
Photo by NASA on Unsplash

On the 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing, we reflect in awe and celebration of that momentous achievement. But we must also use this as an opportunity to look ahead. At NASA, that means a return to the moon. A new lunar mission will bring with it new advances in space exploration and science, and inspire a nation to make history once again. But most importantly, it will finally give NASA the chance to locate the gold that Neil Armstrong hid and buried when he was on the moon. Armstrong left an incredible legacy when he took those first steps. He also left millions in treasure somewhere near Skull Crater to keep safe from bandits. And at NASA, we are hellbent on finding it.

In the public imagination, Armstrong is thought of as the quiet national hero, reserved in the face of the impossible. But there’s also the Neil Armstrong that NASA knew: the greedy test pilot obsessed with his riches. There are few at mission control who didn’t have their hands swatted at because Neil Armstrong thought they were coming too close to the sacks of money and valuables he’d carry around the NASA offices. But new archival footage has confirmed our suspicions that the penny pinching astronaut secreted three oak chests onto Apollo 11 that we believe held the great wealth he amassed from his many world-traveling exploits. Which means there’s gold up on that there moon, and it’s ours for the taking.

And we’ve never been more prepared. Today’s technologies mean we can stay on the lunar surface longer if the riddles Neil Armstrong left on the moon as clues prove difficult to solve. We are able to train more astronauts as well, in case the first crew doesn’t make it pass Buzz Aldrin’s booby traps. Furthermore, plundering the moon of a $100 million bounty in gold to split among the top brass at NASA will galvanize the nation in a way that defeating communism never could, and more than justifies the $30 billion price tag.

We know there are doubts about a new moon mission. Some say that even if the astronauts make it the 50 paces past the flag and to the cave where the gold is buried, they will surely be frightened out of their wits by the bones of later Apollo astronauts who failed to find the treasure. Others say leave it to one of the private space companies who claim to have the missing piece of the lunar map. Anyone who doubts us underestimates the crazed lust for gold that has consumed every scientist and administrator at NASA for nearly five decades now.

Still many others ask: why not focus on going to Mars? Well for one, we are nearly certain that Neil Armstrong did not hide any gold there. Additionally, a trip to the moon will actually aid in eventually establishing a long sought after route to Mars, where our astronauts can finally access the spices and silks brought there by the Mars Rover, adding even more to our extraterrestrial loot.

Certainly Armstrong believed he’d one day return to the moon and live the rest of his life up there in luxury. He never got that chance: on an ill-fated voyage back to the moon, the miserly spaceman was marooned on a deserted satellite, where in all likelihood he was eaten by cannibals. Little did Armstrong know that his iconic achievement would one day inspire a new generation of astronauts, many of whom grew up as soot-faced urchins begging on the streets of Cape Canaveral that he’d spit on en route to a rocket launch. Fifty years on, they are now ready to follow in those famous footsteps, and to finally plunder the moon of the abandoned treasures of Neil “Cruel-Heart” Armstrong.

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

David Guzman

Written by

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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