It’s Time To Live My Truth: I’m A Basic Bitch

Listen up, because I have some basic-ass truth bombs to drop on y’all.

Gracie Beaver-Kairis
Slackjaw
Published in
4 min readMay 24, 2021

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Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

Friends,

I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve asked you all to meet me in the skincare aisle of this Target. Please grab a pamplemousse La Croix and have a seat. I have something important to get off my chest: I’m a basic bitch now.

I know this may come as a shock, but I haven’t been living my authentic life. I’ve been ashamed of my true self — the self that doesn’t want to read the boring-ass Atlantic article about the hazards of bauxite mining that just came through in the group text but instead wants to laugh at TikToks of stupid people coloring their hair with Kool-Aid. Blueberry blast? More like a blueberry disaster, ya dum-dum!

I’ve been worried you’d all disown me once I announced my basic-ness, but I can’t live a lie anymore. I have some confessions. Remember when we all waited behind the Bright Eyes tour bus for three hours to meet Conor Oberst? The truth is I was listening to the absolute freaking bop “Meant to Be’’ by Bebe Rexha and Florida Georgia Line in my earbuds the whole time. Also, about that time I bailed on Ocean Vuong’s poetry reading because I had “indigestion”… well, I was actually refreshing Sephora.com waiting for Kat Von D’s new eyeliner to go on sale.

It’s just so freeing to stop pretending that I care about whether or not Biden is delivering on his campaign promises or if drinking almond milk is unethical! You know what actually matters to me? Making sure that I’m first in line the next time Starbucks has those limited edition color-changing plastic cups in stock. God, they are #totesadorbs.

So what does this mean for our friendship? Well, things are going to change. I hope you adjust your expectations and put in the work to support me. For starters, please call me McKinleighahey from now on. Additionally, I’m no longer embarrassed by my addiction to Yellowtail rosé and am in fact celebrating it. Every day I will be wearing a new hoodie from Groupon that says something like “Wine O’Clock!” or “It’s 3 pm, Guess Who’s Tipsy Already!” As a basic ally, you should read these hoodies and respond, “Girl, that’s soooo you!”

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Gracie Beaver-Kairis
Slackjaw

Gracie Beaver-Kairis is a humor writer and semi-functioning adult living in the Pacific Northwest.