I’ve Always Been A Cool Person Who Uses Marijuana

I’m finally ready to reveal the details of my daily weeding.

Gracie Beaver-Kairis
Slackjaw
Published in
3 min readDec 28, 2020

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Photo by Kym MacKinnon on Unsplash

With marijuana now legal in 15 states, so many people I know are excited they can openly smoke the Mary Joe. Well I too have been doing drugs this whole time. In fact, I am constantly high on grass clippings, and I have always been very cool.

Yeah, I’m 240 friendly, alright. I’ll never forget my first puff on the ol’ mystic dragon. It was the eighth grade and some tough kids named CJ and Eric who wore backward baseball caps and football jerseys offered me a drag on a fat joist behind the bleachers. They were impressed by how cool I was by not saying no to drugs, and I eventually became very well-liked and popular in middle and high school. I’ve been smoking the doopie ever since.

I’ve branched out since then, and enjoy my weeds in a variety of ways, such as putting drugs into a hearty home-cooked meal. Last night, I folded six tablespoons of dried Satan’s arugula right into my pasta primavera. Yeah, my dinner is a little spicy, but it’s so worth it once I start feeling the way that I feel when I eat marijuana.

I don’t believe the killjoy scientists who say vaping is bad for your lungs. They need a big serving of the ol’ Jolly Green Giant, if you catch my drift. I treated myself to a brand new Vicks humidifier just last week. Yes, I have chronically dry sinus passages, but I also love nothing more than to plop a couple of joists into that water tank, crank that sucker up to 60% relative humidity, pull up a Bob Marley playlist on Spotify, and let that sweet green mist wash over me.

Sometimes when I’m feeling really decadent, I fill up one of my many decorative marijuana vases with a fresh bouquet of pot branches and slowly nibble away at them like a baby deer. What a relief to reveal the Japanese flower arranging class I took at the community center I took last year wasn’t lame, but was actually for the purposes of furthering my chill, doop-smoking lifestyle!

In fact, all of my so-called “boring” hobbies have been covers for my recreational drug-enthusiast secret life. The vegetable garden I’ve been growing? It’s actually rows and rows of Beezlebub’s Swiss chard. When I learned how to crochet? I was just making a festive cozy for my bongo. Those homemade bread bowls I posted on Instagram? Filled to the brim with cannabis gazpacho, or as we stonemasons say, “gaz-pot-cho.”

So yes, I use marijuana loudly and proudly. I always obviously have, and from now on, will say I always will, at least until it falls out of favor or I get old enough to not care what people think of me. Now stop talking and pass me a bowl of Lucifer’s broccoli rabe!

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Gracie Beaver-Kairis
Slackjaw

Gracie Beaver-Kairis is a humor writer and semi-functioning adult living in the Pacific Northwest.