I’ve Got Some Interrogatories for You, Asshole

Look out, because I went to law school.

PLAINTIFF’S FIRST SET OF INTERROGATORIES TO DEFENDANT

Pursuant to Fed. R. Civ. P. 33, Plaintiff hereby submits the following Interrogatories to Defendant. Please submit answers, in writing and under oath, to the undersigned counsel for Plaintiff within 30 days of service.

1. State who the fuck you think you are, exactly.
2. State whether you think it’s cool to talk about people behind their backs, and whether you really thought Plaintiff wouldn’t find out.
3. Separately for 2022 and each of the previous nineteen years since meeting Plaintiff, describe in detail what Plaintiff ever did to you?
4. State whether you realize that putting others down just makes you look insecure, and also that you’re short.
5. State whether, while Plaintiff was in the bathroom last week, you told Selina that you were “worried” about Plaintiff ever since I failed the Bar Exam last summer. (I know you did.)
6. State why exactly, in your words, it’s “troubling” to see Plaintiff “acting like he’s in court all the time.” What, is it that you (much like the State of California) don’t think Plaintiff has what it takes to be a lawyer? Tell the truth, jackass.
7. State what you meant when you said that Plaintiff’s constant muttering of the phrase “Now you’re thinking like a lawyer!” makes you “very uncomfortable.”
8. State why exactly you felt the need to tell Selina that Plaintiff doesn’t take his suit off at night when he sleeps.
9. State how you found that out.
10. State whether you have ever passed the Bar Exam in California, Clarence Darrow?
11. State whether you know that it is very hard? Like, so, so hard.
12. State whether you believe that he’ll definitely pass this time, right?
13. State if you would hire Plaintiff as your lawyer if you were caught in an improbable My Cousin Vinny murder trial situation.
14. State whether you even realize that Vinny failed the Bar five times before he finally passed? And he was one of the best lawyers of all time.
15. State if you remember that scene? Stan asks, “Three time’s the charm?” and Vinny responds, “Not for me it wasn’t. For me, six times was the charm.” Ha. Classic Vinny.
16. State if you think that someday, an ornery judge will tell Plaintiff, like Vinny, “You’re one hell of a trial lawyer.”
17. State if you think Plaintiff will end up with a Marissa Tomei type.
18. What a great film.
19. Remember when we watched My Cousin Vinny as kids? Those were good times. Please state whether you’d agree that those were good times.
20. Please clarify whether, when you said those things about Plaintiff, you were maybe expressing genuine concern about him and not talking shit? And whether that was actually pretty nice of you when I think about it?
21. Remember before the Bar last summer, when you told Plaintiff that you believed in him? Please state whether that is still the case.
22. Please state if you’d accept Plaintiff’s apology for being a bad amicus lately. I‘ve been thinking like a lawyer… but in a bad way.

Respectfully submitted,
February 22, 2022
ATTORNEY* FOR PLAINTIFF
DANNY CHAN

Danny Chan

* Non-Attorney Advocate

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