I’ve Made The Difficult Decision To Skip Thanksgiving With My Family This Year (To Go To A Bigger, Cooler Thanksgiving)
Thanksgiving is going to look a little bit different for everyone this year, and for me, it’s going to look like a sweat-soaked mosh pit.
I’ve made the very difficult decision to forgo Thanksgiving with my family this year, in order to go to a much larger, much more fun, Thanksgiving rager. With all the COVID-19 cases spiking across the U.S., it has been suggested that we spend this Thanksgiving away from our families. I’ve realized that this is indeed the safest course of action… plus, this other party sounds way better.
I met this guy Mark on the street during one of my many unmasked walks who said he’s throwing an 80-person Thanksgiving. It’s in an abandoned warehouse with little to no ventilation but lots of DJ sets and open bowls of mashed potatoes for us to shove our fists into. Mark says it’s gonna be “the tits.” My family hosts a historically boring Thanksgiving and this sounds like the kind of party I could really let loose at — which I deserve for making this tough choice.
I know that what I am doing is heroic, but please, don’t call me a hero… unless you really want to. I know that I’m missing out on precious family moments that I may never get back by opting out of this holiday, but it’s for their own safety and also my fun. If I’m going to risk infecting people, I’d much rather it be Mark and his 79 friends than my Mee-Maw, you know? Plus I’ve always wanted to eat potatoes by the fistful.
Let it be known that my family’s Thanksgiving has zero promise of a no-hands pie-eating contest OR a “Tur-DUNK-en Tank” which is what initially drew me to Mark’s Turkey Pal00za. Thanks to me, they will also have one less mouth to feed and/or contract COVID from.
Mark’s Thanksgiving is considered a “bringer” so the 80-person guest list is just a rough estimate right now. I’m actually required to bring five more people with me to get in the door. What I love about this party is that you’re encouraged to bring more people, instead of my family’s Thanksgiving, which is being kept to the people in our living pod. Oh, did I mention I live with my parents? I’m sure that only cements your opinion of how difficult this decision must have been for me. I assure you, it has been quite the moral quandary.
Alas, Thanksgiving is going to look a little bit different for everyone this year, and for me, it’s going to look like a sweat-soaked mosh pit. If you haven’t already, reconsider visiting family this year and come instead to Mark’s Turkey Pal00za in the abandoned warehouse off of exit 50. It’s going to be “the tits.”
