Jeff Bezos’s Lazy Saturday Morning Routine
5:15 AM: Internal performance optimization alarm activated. Eyes fly open. Strangled war cry escapes mouth. Fist reflexively punches air.
5:15 A.M.: Internal performance optimization alarm activated. Eyes fly open. Strangled war cry escapes mouth. Fist reflexively punches air.
5:15–5:20 A.M.: Somersault out of bed. Land in plank position on bedroom floor. Command: “Alexa, read me unopened Jeff Bezos fan mail.” Do 200 push-ups to the sound of Alexa mechanically reporting a detailed sex dream sent in by Trisha Wagner, “your #1 fan in Haysville, Kansas.”
5:20–5:30 A.M.: Burn effigy of self. Whisper, “Always be better than yesterday.” Watch hungrily as effigy burns. Observe, pleased, as tiny robot sweeps ashes into tiny dustbin, opens drawer full of Jeff Bezos effigies, and replaces effigy in preparation for tomorrow’s ceremony.
5:30–5:35 A.M.: Tweeze one nose hair. Place carefully in vial and stopper. Add vial to Clone Library.
5:35–5:40 A.M.: Open hatch in bathroom floor and drop down into kitchen, landing in power lunge before fridge. Open fridge. Remove tray labelled “Optimized Protein Cubes.” Eat four.
