Jeff Bezos’s Very Chill Saturday Night Routine
Scream the Evening Affirmation: “My thirst is unquenchable. I AM the economy. I will never die.”
5:00 PM: Saturday night respite mode activated. Remove daytime garb of black polo shirt, jeans, aviator sunglasses, and Jeff Bezos nametag. Don evening garb of silk pajamas, genuine black rhino hide slippers, lime green shutter shades, and Jeff “The Emperor” Bezos nametag.
5:02–5:02.03 PM: Drop down through walk-in closet floor hatch, landing in Saturday Night Fever disco pose in the Affirmation Chamber.
5:02.03–5:03.50 PM: Slide in front of floor-to-ceiling mirror and scream the Evening Affirmation: “My thirst is unquenchable. I am the economy. I will never die.”
5:03.50–5:05 PM: Punch floor-to-ceiling mirror, shattering it into a million pieces. Pinch bridge of nose and take a few deep breaths.
5:05–5:05.10 PM: Drop down through the Affirmation Chamber floor hatch, landing in the Virtual Reality Room.
5:05.10–5:05.40 PM: Don VR headset. Command, “Alexa, activate ‘J.B. Fantasies.’”
5:05.40–5:15 PM: First VR scenario launched. A steady stream of Amazon warehouse workers cycle by, asking for humble $2 raises to feed their families. Each time a raise is…
