Job Ad For A Lead Detective In A Small, Dead-End Town
Are you a washed-up, divorced, high-functioning alcoholic (bonus points for other romanticized vices you don’t battle) whose life is in complete shambles? Read on.
The town of East Smallville Lake Rock, Maine, has had its first murder in 50 years, which means another 10 will follow in the next month or so, so we’re in urgent need of a shrewd detective to get us through the murder season. This is a temporary gig, but with the potential of turning full-time if the murder seasons recur.
Experience
40+ years of traumatic life experiences, (bonus points for a loveless childhood, full of betrayal and disappointment) that add up to a tragic backstory, which has hardened your heart almost as much as your liver, sharpened your instincts for the worst in people, and makes your asshole personality and sad, decadent existence justified and relatable, even stoic and poetic in that cool, noir-like way.
Job Requirements
· Fun personality. You’re extremely cynical and maintain your deadpan, unforgiving sarcasm and great comedic timing in the face of death, love, authority, and anyone even remotely friendly with you.
· Great work ethic. You’re married to your job and divorced from the love of your life, whom you pushed away after the tragic death of your child (bonus points if you rolled your eyes at “whom.”) Detectives without a dead (or at the very least seriously fucked up) child to haunt them, eerily remind them of our victim, and drive them to the edge of insanity to solve the murder case in a desperate effort to make amends for not saving their own child NEED NOT APPLY. (Bonus points if you have another child that hates your guts because you were never there, because you were at work, like a real trooper.)
· No-quit attitude. You follow your gut as it misleads you over and over again despite your superior’s explicit orders not to. A case is like Jack Daniels to you, you’re physically incapable of staying off it.
· Ability to work under minimal to no supervision and in spite of maximal supervision. Our chief has one foot out the door, just going through the bureaucratic motions, daydreaming about his retirement in Costa Rica. Little does he know, he’ll never make it, as he’ll get shot 30 minutes before the end of his last shift, so you’ll have to finish the job on your own.
· Can-do attitude. You’re somehow able to chase down athletic criminals over long obstacle courses even though you haven’t exercised since high school and your diet consists of bourbon, cigarettes, fast food, and broken ribs.
· Confidence and charisma. You drink alone in busy bars, looking all pensive and cool while wondering where you went wrong with your life. Your sex-appeal is unusual and subtle, yet universal, and transcends your complete disregard for personal hygiene. This will attract a lover, who will get murdered by the serial killer to deter you, but will only bring us one step closer to that fucking animal.
· Driver’s license. You still have it despite only driving under the influence.
· Initiative, thinking outside the box, and willingness to go the extra mile. Breaking and entering instead of getting a warrant, not waiting for backup, planting confiscated drugs to frame a criminal when the legal system has fallen short, that’s your bread and butter (bonus points if you keep some of the drugs for yourself. Like we said, we want someone with a fun personality.)
· Loyalty. You’ve spent your entire life in our beautiful, dead-end East Smallville Lake Rock despite having a resigned disdain for it.
To apply, please send your CV and a reference from your ex-spouse, the parent of your dead and/or fucked up child, who, unlike you, has moved on with their life and is liked by everyone. This is very important, as it provides a juxtaposition, a control group, clearly showing that beyond the shared tragedy, the deeper problem lies within you, you’re broken, there’s an infinite void at the center of your soul you desperately try to fill with caught criminals and saved lives. But the one life you’ll never save is your own, no matter how many cases you solve. On the plus side, you’ll make a great addition to our team in the process.
