Job Hunting Amidst The Impending Apocalypse? Try This Cover Letter Template!
Dear Hiring Manager,
I hope this email finds you well, and alive! I recently came across your posting for an available [JOB TITLE HERE] position, and must say I was extremely excited at the prospect of some human contact and disposable income, right before our world comes crashing to its inevitable screeching halt.
As you will see from my attached resume, I have an extensive background in [FIELD OF EXPERIENCE HERE]; however, I am proud to share that in recent months I have also become quite knowledgeable in stockpiling, worrying, and mindlessly scrolling through the same three apps on my phone over and over and over again for hours. I feel confident that this multifaceted skill set makes me an ideal candidate to keep [COMPANY NAME HERE] afloat for at least the next two weeks or maybe even longer, if the world somehow has not completely and totally gone down in flames before then.
Per the list of desired employee qualities outlined in your post, I would absolutely consider myself a hardworking, loyal self-starter with an impeccable eye for detail who performs well under pressure. Coincidentally, these are all also symptoms of my high-functioning anxiety, which let me be the first to tell you, is thriving under these current conditions. I am also efficient while working on my own as well as in a group. (I’m assuming the latter is not relevant anymore but wanted to throw it out there just in case!)
Out of transparency, I do feel that I must disclose my hesitation in applying to this job at all, given the current state of the world. Part of me wants to feel hopeful that things will eventually return to some semblance of normalcy, and I would like to be prepared to support myself financially long term. But then another part of me feels like “Fuck it [YOUR NAME HERE], let’s open 20 credit cards, max them all out, and in the words of Megan Thee Stallion, ‘ride this shit like a Camaro.’”
Anyway, if you find me a qualified candidate, please let me know if it would be possible to schedule a Zoom interview to discuss at your earliest convenience. I would kindly like to stress “earliest” as the key word here; if you think it will take longer than a week for you to get back to me, then I feel like we both might as well just throw in the towel on this whole thing.
Feel free to reach out to me at any time via phone [YOUR PHONE HERE] or email [YOUR EMAIL HERE]. I will be sitting anxiously in my apartment, looking forward to hearing from you soon!
Self-isolated regards,
[YOUR NAME HERE]
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