Joe Biden’s Cabinet Picks, In His Own Words
The final list, finally.
Hello, America. This is Joe Biden’s intern. I earned $13/hour to record his cabinet picks, which he justified with the few sentences I highlighted below. Neither he nor anyone else on his team could figure out Medium, so I volunteered to record his ramblings while he paced up and down this hotel hallway in a Delaware Hyatt. After several hours, this is what he told me were his selections, in his own words.
Please enjoy. I assure you these are all accurate.
Secretary of Agriculture: Orville Redenbaucher
“This country is hungry for change. I’m hungry, too. And whenever I’m hungry, I want someone that’s experienced and dry like me. Orville is the right man, and popcorn is the right snack for that. Is it time for lunch yet?”
Secretary of Commerce: Elizabeth Warren
“I’ll be honest with you. Elizabeth Warren told me that if she didn’t get this appointment, she’d kick my fucking ass and eat it whole. That’s a direct quote and I completely believe her.”
Secretary of Defense: The General, General Car Insurance
“‘Go to the General and save some time!’ Love those commercials. And that jingle is so catchy. It always gets stuck in my head!”
Secretary of Education: Pete Buttigieg
“Tell you what, Mayor Pete is as smart as a pistol — perfect for Secretary of Education. One time during the debates we were at the same hotel and he ordered a coffee in Swahili! I was completely blown away. Turns out he was just ordering a large coffee with one of those fancy Starbucks words, but he did it with such confidence!”
Secretary of Energy: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
“If there’s anything this little lady’s got, it’s energy! One time she talked for so long, I thought she was quoting one of my speeches. Let’s get her in here!”
EPA Administrator: Jay Inslee
“Man, that guy loves trees more than anything. When we were on the campaign trail, he told me, “I don’t even want to be President,” and I thought, “You’re running to be President?!”
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Yogi Berra
“Talk about health — Yogi’s the healthiest guy you’d ever see hit a fast one right down the middle I mean it when I say wow he could smack that sucker like no one else and this was before all the doping and everything hey when’s baseball coming back?”
Secretary of Homeland Security: The General from General Car Insurance
“‘Go to the General and save some time!’ Love those commercials. And that jingle is so catchy. It always gets stuck in my head!”
Secretary of Interior: Sablewood
“Great shade for any interior setting. We had this in the bathrooms of the White House back in ‘08. I always told my assistants, “Hey, this is a great shade — why don’t we paint everything in Sablewood?” And they’d always tell me, “You were supposed to be in the Situation Room thirty minutes ago.”
Secretary of Labor: Cory Booker
“Cory told me he would do push-ups in his office while reciting the Declaration of Independence backward just to prove his loyalty to me. I told him he already got the cabinet position and he didn’t have to do that, but he did it anyway. In fact, he’s been doing it every day since. His assistant told me it’s actually his morning routine.”
Secretary of State: Susan Rice
“Every magazine I read tells me that I’ve already picked her for this position. From the New York Times to Amtrak’s Onboard Magazine, they all make a convincing argument!”
Secretary of Transportation: Golf carts
“Not too fast, not too slow. Meant for the elderly, but can easily be steered by young people. That’s a Biden pick if I’ve ever heard of it!”
Secretary of Treasury: Mike Bloomberg
“When I saw Mike Bloomberg look confused, bothered, and sweaty on the debate stage, I saw flashes of a young Joe Biden. I think this guy’s got spunk.”
Attorney General: Atticus Finch
“The best attorney I know.”
Ambassador to the UN: TikTok
“Look, we gotta think globally, and this wouldn’t be the first time we took a risk on someone who connected with the youth and had a funny, foreign name. We just gotta do a few background checks first, then we should be good to go.”
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: The General from General Car Insurance
“‘Go to the General and save some time!’ Love those commercials. And that jingle is so catchy. It always gets stuck in my head!”
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