Joe Biden’s Cabinet Picks, In His Own Words

The final list, finally.

Koko
Koko
Sep 8, 2020 · 5 min read
Image for post
Image for post
src: Gage Skidmore (via Wikimedia Commons)

Hello, America. This is Joe Biden’s intern. I earned $13/hour to record his cabinet picks, which he justified with the few sentences I highlighted below. Neither he nor anyone else on his team could figure out Medium, so I volunteered to record his ramblings while he paced up and down this hotel hallway in a Delaware Hyatt. After several hours, this is what he told me were his selections, in his own words.

Please enjoy. I assure you these are all accurate.

Image for post
Image for post
via Wikimedia Commons

“This country is hungry for change. I’m hungry, too. And whenever I’m hungry, I want someone that’s experienced and dry like me. Orville is the right man, and popcorn is the right snack for that. Is it time for lunch yet?”

Image for post
Image for post
via Wikimedia Commons

“I’ll be honest with you. Elizabeth Warren told me that if she didn’t get this appointment, she’d kick my fucking ass and eat it whole. That’s a direct quote and I completely believe her.”

Image for post
Image for post
src: TheGeneral.com (Fair Use)

“‘Go to the General and save some time!’ Love those commercials. And that jingle is so catchy. It always gets stuck in my head!”

Image for post
Image for post
src: Gage Skidmore (via Wikimedia Commons)

“Tell you what, Mayor Pete is as smart as a pistol — perfect for Secretary of Education. One time during the debates we were at the same hotel and he ordered a coffee in Swahili! I was completely blown away. Turns out he was just ordering a large coffee with one of those fancy Starbucks words, but he did it with such confidence!”

Image for post
Image for post
src: US House Office of Photography (via WIkimedia Commons)

“If there’s anything this little lady’s got, it’s energy! One time she talked for so long, I thought she was quoting one of my speeches. Let’s get her in here!”

Image for post
Image for post
via Wikimedia Commons

“Man, that guy loves trees more than anything. When we were on the campaign trail, he told me, “I don’t even want to be President,” and I thought, “You’re running to be President?!”

Image for post
Image for post
src: Public Domain

“Talk about health — Yogi’s the healthiest guy you’d ever see hit a fast one right down the middle I mean it when I say wow he could smack that sucker like no one else and this was before all the doping and everything hey when’s baseball coming back?”

Image for post
Image for post
src: TheGeneral.com (Fair Use)

“‘Go to the General and save some time!’ Love those commercials. And that jingle is so catchy. It always gets stuck in my head!”

Image for post
Image for post
src: iColorPallette.com

“Great shade for any interior setting. We had this in the bathrooms of the White House back in ‘08. I always told my assistants, “Hey, this is a great shade — why don’t we paint everything in Sablewood?” And they’d always tell me, “You were supposed to be in the Situation Room thirty minutes ago.”

Image for post
Image for post
src: Gage Skidmore (via Wikimedia Commons)

“Cory told me he would do push-ups in his office while reciting the Declaration of Independence backward just to prove his loyalty to me. I told him he already got the cabinet position and he didn’t have to do that, but he did it anyway. In fact, he’s been doing it every day since. His assistant told me it’s actually his morning routine.”

Image for post
Image for post
src: New America (via Wikimedia Commons)

“Every magazine I read tells me that I’ve already picked her for this position. From the New York Times to Amtrak’s Onboard Magazine, they all make a convincing argument!”

Image for post
Image for post
src: Pixabay

“Not too fast, not too slow. Meant for the elderly, but can easily be steered by young people. That’s a Biden pick if I’ve ever heard of it!”

Image for post
Image for post
src: Bloomberg Philanthropies (via Wikimedia Commons)

“When I saw Mike Bloomberg look confused, bothered, and sweaty on the debate stage, I saw flashes of a young Joe Biden. I think this guy’s got spunk.”

Image for post
Image for post
src: Moni3 (via Wikimedia Commons)

“The best attorney I know.”

Image for post
Image for post
src: Pixabay

“Look, we gotta think globally, and this wouldn’t be the first time we took a risk on someone who connected with the youth and had a funny, foreign name. We just gotta do a few background checks first, then we should be good to go.”

Image for post
Image for post
src: TheGeneral.com

“‘Go to the General and save some time!’ Love those commercials. And that jingle is so catchy. It always gets stuck in my head!”

Follow Slackjaw on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

By Slackjaw

Yapjaw is Medium's #1 newsletter for all things humor, and we're sorry to say you'll only receive it a few times a month. Take a look.

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Koko

Written by

Koko

Come for the laughs. Stay for the pity.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Koko

Written by

Koko

Come for the laughs. Stay for the pity.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store