Join the Slow Social Media Movement, Message in a Bottle

Shout into the void the old fashioned way

Kimberly Harrington
· 4 min read
Image by Antonio Doumas from Pixabay

Have you been craving that old fashioned feeling of shouting into the void, never once expecting an actual response? Do you miss a brand of communication that’s both hopeful and hopeless at the same time? Are you longing to recapture the days when you could express a thought without immediately being jumped on or flooded with other people’s (incorrect) opinions? Do you miss not getting any attention whatsoever?

Friend, we know how you feel. Here at IRL LLC, we once felt that way too. That’s why we created the Slow Social Media movement with our inaugural subscription product, Message In A Bottle.

How does it work?

Well, we start with the most elemental of all materials — glass. Made from authentic sand and hot, hot fire, glass is endlessly recyclable and surprisingly pretentious when arranged on a minimalist shelf with heirloom fruit. Our signature glass bottles are handcrafted by Silicon Valley refugees who were slowly being driven insane by LinkedIn invitations from strangers.

Next, we provide beefy squares of paper handmade by women who were told to take notes in a meeting one too many times. We believe Stephanie said it best when she told us, “I would rather spend the rest of my life turning waterlogged pulp into paper by hand than spend one more minute jotting down meeting notes on a giant Post-It slapped to a conference room wall WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM ALSO KNOWS DAMN WELL HOW TO USE A SHARPIE, TIM.”

So true, Stephanie.

In your monthly subscription Message In A Bottle box, we’ll also provide a variety of writing implements so you can choose just the right utensil for your pointless barking. Of course the range of options will vary widely, as all authentic products do. Don’t be surprised to find anything from an 18th century quill pen to a Montblanc Chef d’Oeuvre Lapis Lazuli to a humble №2 Ticonderoga pencil. We think you’ll agree that each is highly authentic and utterly insufferable in its own unique way!

Once you’ve committed your shout-into-the-void to paper, you’ll get to experience the satisfaction of bringing it all to an anticlimactic conclusion. That’s right, you’ll be assembling your Message In A Bottle all on your own. We think you’ll find that doing is learning. And learning is pointless unless you already have an internship lined up somewhere really good.

Simply roll up your message so it fits easily through the bottle opening. Once past the opening, it will spring back open, making it impossible for anyone in the next week or next century to ever get it out. Remember frustration based on a tangible physical reality? Oh the nostalgia!

Last but not least, it’s time to seal the bottle. Wait, did we forget the cork?!

Ha ha, of course we didn’t, silly. It’s right here.

Renewable, 100% sustainable, and the perfect way to ensure your cry for help stays waterproof, cork is the most authentic of all materials. Well, it’s almost as authentic as glass, about half as authentic as handcrafted paper, but relatively authentic nonetheless.

Next, you will need to get yourself to a body of water. For the most authentic experience, you will need an ocean. Like, a big one. None of those small regional oceans. You’re gonna be in the market for a Pacific or an Atlantic, that sort of thing. If you must, a Great Lake would suffice we suppose. But as with most things in 2019, it’s less than ideal.

Assuming you have made your way to an ocean, it’s now up to you to heave that bottle as far as you can! Throw it! Hard! No, not like that! Harder! Like you do more with your body than flinch at human contact! There you go!

Good luck hacking that, Russia! Just try leaving a comment on my authentic glass bottle bobbing aimlessly in the ocean in a pretty despondent way, Aunt Ellen! Bon chance making this Message In A Bottle about you, dipshit friend from high school!

We hope you’ll find that Message In A Bottle brings back all the great childhood memories you have of being genuinely stupid and laughably optimistic. And be sure to look for our other Slow Social Media movement products currently in beta, including Giant Circular Rolodex On Your Desk, Photo Album With Useless Sticky Pages, Note Shaped Like A Football, and Telephone Attached To The Kitchen Wall by a Really, Really Long Cord.


Kimberly Harrington is the author of AMATEUR HOUR and the forthcoming essay and humor collection, BUT YOU SEEMED SO HAPPY (Harper Perennial). She’s a regular contributor and columnist for McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and her work has appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times, and The Cut.

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Kimberly Harrington

Written by

AMATEUR HOUR (2018) and BUT YOU SEEMED SO HAPPY (2021) | The New York Times, The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, The Cut | kimberlyharrington.me

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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