Justice Comes To Whoville
It was quarter past dawn, all the Whos still a-bed
And Detective Jim Who had a pain in his head
He opened his eyes, and he let out a groan
As he reached out and answered his ringing who-phone
“Which Who is it?” he barked, his voice scratchy and gruff
He’d had too much to drink, or, perhaps, not enough
While he got out of bed and he went in to pee
The dispatcher described a Who-burglary spree
“I’m on it,” he said, and then he hung up
As he poured some Who-gin in an old coffee cup
“Just my luck,” he complained. (He was visibly miffed.)
So much for his piece-of-cake Christmas Day shift
He’d agreed to it, thinking it wouldn’t be bad
(And his daughter was with her Who-mom and stepdad)
His colleagues had cheered ’til their faces were blueish
“No problem.” he’d said (Anyway, he was Who-ish)
He hadn’t foreseen getting any new cases -
The Whos were all home by their warm fireplaces
And yet, there he was, at three quarters past dawn
Rolling up to a crime scene, and stifling a yawn
All around him the Who children quietly sobbed
It appeared every house in the town had been robbed
He needed to interview everyone there
So he’d start with the first little house on the square
He asked them if anyone there saw the thief
And a little girl had, to his great disbelief
“It was Santy Claus, Sir” said the little girl Who
So he sighed and moved on (she was not more than two)
He searched the entirety of the cold house
But found nothing, except for an old, hungry mouse
He opened the door, time for house number two
When he saw something next to the fireplace flue
He grabbed it and held it aloft in the air
To him, it looked just like a tuft of green hair
He turned to the girl, as his hand gently shook
And said “tell me — this Santy Claus — how did he look?”
She closed her eyes tight, and remembered the scene
“He looked just like the pictures…except…he was green”
“Lock your doors and your windows and stay in your house”
He said to the Who and his kids and his spouse
Then he got all the other Whos into their houses
With all of the other Who kids and Who spouses
Then he got on the horn, and he said, with a flinch
“It’s Detective Jim Who — APB on the Grinch!”
The Grinch was well-known to the Whoville P.D.
Skin and hair color: green; age: fifty-three
He lived in a cave to the north of the tracks
With his longtime accomplice, a tweaker named Max
The Grinch’s rap sheet was nineteen pages wide
He was wanted for Whosury and Whomicide
He was constantly hopped up on Who-pills and booze
He walked around naked, but for his tight shoes
If the Grinch was involved, he would have to move quickly
Whatever he’d planned would be twisted and sickly
How did the Grinch haul his plunder away?
He looked toward Mount Crumpit — the tracks of a sleigh!
His temper was flared and his morals eroded
He checked to make sure his gardooka was loaded
Jim Who started off in frenetic pursuit
Of that son-of-a-bitch in a Santy Claus suit
Up the side of Mount Crumpit sans any delay
He sped in his weathered Whondai Santa Fe
On the side of Mount Crumpit, two thousand feet high
The detective’s old Whondai decided to die
He jumped out of the truck, its engine kaput
And he started to follow the sleigh tracks on foot
He trudged up the mountain, the going was slow
When he heard a sound rising up over the snow
It started in low, then it started to grow
The Whos were all singing, a mile below
Jim Who stopped to listen, for a only a minute
When he spotted the sleigh, and the Grinch was there in it!
Barreling toward him, straight down Mount Crumpit
Brazenly blowing “who who” on a trumpet
He reached for the Who-holster on his right hip
He aimed his gardooka and emptied the clip
The sleigh flew right by him, without even braking
He missed all eight shots (as his hands had been shaking)
He watched as the Grinch sledded back towards the town
As he holstered his weapon and started back down
Finally, Jim made it back to flat ground
Where he looked for the Whos, but no Whos could be found
He looked south and north, he looked west and east
Until he remembered the Who Christmas Feast
He kicked in the door — the old cop popped his eyes!
Then he shook — What he saw was a shocking surprise!
The Whos were all sitting down for the great feast -
And the Grinch — he himself — he was carving roast beast!
This was more than Detective Jim Who could endure
The Grinch would be tried for his crimes, he’d make sure
He drew his gardooka and aimed for his chest
And said “Whoville PD — you are under arrest!”
The Grinch pleaded and begged as he dragged him away
“Please Sir! My heart grew three sizes today!”
But the Grinch was too late to this new introspection
The sentence for theft was who-lethal injection
The detective just laughed as he locked up the cell
“Next Christmas you’ll spend all alone in Who-Hell!”
He set off to join in the Christmas repast
To Whoville, Jim Who had brought justice at last
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