Kids, Are You Ready To Make Some Serious Wonga?
Fill those Velcro wallets with sweet crypto cash!
August 1st, 2022
It’s a privilege to be invited to the St. John’s Elementary Returning Champions Assembly. If I may, I’d like to start today’s proceedings with a simple question… Kids, are you ready to make some serious wonga?
See that Mercedes out there? Well, next to that you might’ve noticed a pretty sweet 2013 Volvo V70. Second-top of the range. Now, you might be asking yourselves: “How will I ever make enough cheddar to afford a V40, let alone the V70 1.6?” One word — Logecoin.
I’m offering you lucky children a once in a lifetime opportunity to invest in the world’s hottest new cryptocurrency, endorsed by none other than Robert Loggia himself. You’re damn right that’s the guy dancing on the giant piano in Big! For just $1.75 a week I absolutely guarantee to quadruple your investment by the time you hit Third Grade. You have my word on that.
So younglings, how about we crack open those Tardis piggy banks and let’s change the fricking world!
August 7th, 2023
Right, so I was actually thinking of a guy called “Tom Hanks”. Apparently Robert Loggia is not quite as popular. Miss Perkins did always say I wasn’t very perceptive. God rest her soul.
I suppose now that you’re in the Second Grade, some of you may occasionally glance over The Wall Street Journal. Logecoin has not been doing so hot these last 12 months. But I can assure you new ventures like ours drop 90 points in the stock market all… the… time. There’s absolutely nothing to worry about. Besides, this year was the 25th anniversary of Saving Private Ryan! That’s bound to boost publicity.
August 14th, 2024
Okay, I’m sensing a bit of hostility in the front row. If I could please ask you to put down the brown, rusted scissors. We all know those bad boys were new in 1991 and are never opening up again.
Look, you’re clearly upset. Let’s just peel the glue off our hands, snap some mechanical pencil lead, and take a deep breath.
Did I promise to quadruple your investment by the time you hit the Third Grade? Yes. Did I lie to your faces? Yes. Is Robert Loggia any more popular in 2024 than he was in 2023? Most certainly not. But kids, I implore you to keep the faith! Miss Perkins would be turning in her grave if she knew the Third Grade were turning into such whiny little brats.
If anyone has any questions or food donations I’ll be in my office-slash-house-slash-V70 1.6.
August 22nd, 2025
Hear me out. From the star of M*A*S*H, Crimes and Misdemeanours and The Aviator I bring you a brand new crypto… Alan Aldat-cash!
Who’s in?
