Kids Ask About Their Millennial Grandparents’ Scars

Horror stories from the Great Obsession with Crocs.

Via Freepik

Kid: “Mom, why do Grandpa’s eyes look like chicken nuggets that fell asleep in the oven?”

Mom: “Honey, Grandpa spent a lot of time on Facebook looking at pictures of Sonic The Hedgehog before they knew it would make your eyes look like that.”

Kid: “Mom, why doesn’t Grandpa have all his fingers?”

Mom: “Honey, your Grandpa did carpentry, then metalsmithing, then cutlass juggling outside a taco truck, then married a wind turbine, then cut off his thumb with a spork to qualify for a mortgage on a shitty condo in Venice Beach.”

Kid: “Mom, why does Grandpa have to have that silly hearing machine?”

Mom: “Honey, wages weren’t always tied to inflation, so Grandpa and his friends used to stick wooden spoons of almond butter in each other’s ears for in-store credit at Ulta.”

Kid: “Mom, why is Grandpa all bent over like a toy robot that got turned off?”

Mom: “Honey, your Grandpa spent a lot of time scouring the grounds of the Electric Forest Festival for his nipple piercing that somehow fell out through three layers of ironic Hall & Oates t-shirts while he was accruing vibes at the Horse Tranquilizer Stage.”

Kid: “Mom, why is Grandpa always coughing into a handkerchief?”

Mom: “Honey, Grandpa thought that getting his lungs gauged would be an expressive way to attain total symmetry in his thorax.”

Kid: “Mom, why does Grandpa have a violent body spasm like someone pretending to get electrocuted whenever he hears a dinging sound?”

Mom: “Honey, phones during Grandpa’s time made dinging sounds like that whenever they were about to read an email that annihilated their hopes of an employer ever moving forward with their application.”

Kid: “Mom, why are there owies of horrifying size and depth all over Grandpa’s scalp?”

Mom: “Honey, your Grandpa’s generation spent a whole year inside cutting their own hair, and the whole next year walking out into the middle of amateur rugby matches because no one remembered where anything was or how to take…