“La La Camp”: A Blissful Musical Comedy Inspired By Chinese Atrocities Which I’m Definitely Not Reviewing Under Gunpoint
I was initially skeptical of this movie. By the time its end credits rolled, though, I had fallen in love with it — and not only because I wanted to see my wife and kids again.
“A new state-produced musical set in Xinjiang inspired by the Hollywood blockbuster ‘La La Land’ has hit China’s cinemas, portraying a rural idyll of ethnic cohesion devoid of repression, mass surveillance, and even the Islam of its majority Uyghur population.” — 04/03/2021, The Guardian
La La Camp hit theatres in China this weekend. You must watch it! No, I mean it. You must. We wouldn’t want you to end up in a re-education camp too, now would we?
I was initially skeptical of this movie. By the time its end credits rolled, though, I had fallen in love with it — and not only because I wanted to see my wife and kids again.
The actors are wonderful. They’re state-sanctioned atheists who love the government’s wise and truthful representation of Xinjiang as a region free of Islam. They also sing well. I developed a particular liking for the piano ballad which was woven seamlessly into the opening act of the film — “I definitely/Love my new cultural identity/Which the State/Has gifted me.” It hits you right in the feels. As long as you maintain your suspension of disbelief, it makes for heart-warming stuff.
Western Media has often criticized musicals for being “campy,” “melodramatic,” and “too difficult to make Hollywood stars learn singing for.” Our own Glorious Country, on the other hand, is above such childish sentiments. Especially for those citizens who love their ligaments as much as I do.
The entire production team has done a fantastic job at creating this masterpiece. Musicals serve a special purpose in the broader context of cinema — they’re tasked with transporting us to another world, where cheerful lyrics, enthusiastic dance routines, and subtle references to the merits of late capitalism all combine to make for a pleasant viewing experience. La La Camp accomplished this goal with ease. You ask how I know that? Simple enough, really — midway through the runtime, I’d already forgotten the fact that four directors and a half dozen actors have not been spotted since being signed up for this musical.
The production value of the movie hits another high as well. We’re left swooning over the expansive landscapes and elegant costumes in even its more subtle moments. The female protagonist, for example, endears herself to the audience when she willfully unlearns her native language to become a model citizen of the People’s Republic of China. It’s a hint (most of) her neighbors take, and by the time the movie ends, they’re all one big, happy family! The actors who went missing on-screen, though, disappeared off-screen too. I’ve been told this is because they’re such dedicated disciples of method acting.
The product placements in the movie don’t hinder the viewing experience, but they certainly stand out. All the shoes, jeans, and Dissent Detection Apps advertised are Made in China, which ties up naturally with the voluntary labor-driven culture of Xinjiang. So, when the bubbly sidekick of the protagonist breaks into song about the vices of “Just Doing It,” it doesn’t take the most astute of viewers to realize it’s a dig at Nike for their recent boycott of the free labor we provide them.
I’m sure the official soundtrack will have more gems to add to the lyrics we already heard in the movie: “Just Doing It makes you unwise/Don’t believe the Americans or their lies/Their capitalism is bad, ours is good/Only one emphasizes the importance of food.”
You see, unlike the obese Americans, we don’t want our citizens to satiate their hunger and spoil their carefully cultivated habits. We’ve developed a proud tradition of surviving on just one square meal every day. The Westerners like to call it “Intermittent Fasting”; we call it “Necessary Dieting.”
La La Camp is a guaranteed winner at the Chinese Academy Awards. No, really. It was advertising itself as the recipient of the “Best Movie” Award before it had even come out. And don’t worry, there aren’t going to be any gaffes on the day of the ceremony unlike what we saw at the Oscars. For one thing, we don’t do movies based on highlighting racially diverse movies like Moonlight. We’re a strong, united people down here, who’re already living in a homogeneous utopia. Any comments to the contrary on this article are going to be reported on the Dissent Detection App.
Also, if anyone did mess up, they’d be shot with the same gun definitely not being held to my head right now.
La La Camp: 5 stars out of 5 — Fantastic movie builds on fantastical premise and captivates the audience in more ways than one. Movie of the Year, narrowly beating out the critically acclaimed documentary A Billion Chinese Citizens Confirm That Xi Jinping Doesn’t Look Like Winnie the Pooh.
Abhijato Sensarma is an eighteen-year-old student from Kolkata, India. He’s on the verge of stepping out into the real world — which does not stop him from making fun of it whenever he can. You can reach him on Twitter.
