Leaked Audio: Your Dad Helping You With Math Homework In 7th Grade

We found this tape in the basement, and we’re pretty sure your dad didn’t help you at all.

Casey Dexter
Slackjaw
2 min readApr 16, 2020

--

Photo from Pexels

Sarah Johnson! What up, superstar — you want some ice cream? Got Turkey Hill in the freezer!

OK, how about some of this drink? I’m kidding! When I was your age I would’ve said yes. You’re better than me, kid.

What are you working on, homework? Here, let me help.

Alright, this is…

Pre-algebra.

What grade are you in? Seventh?

I knew that. I feel like I learned this in college…

Where are my — DEBBIE! Have you seen my glasses?

Oh, right. Got ‘em.

Alrighty, question one.

‘Jeremy makes five baskets out of the ten shots he takes. How many baskets did he miss?’

Jeremy is clearly not a Johnson, that’s for sure.

(Long silence)

…So, for this, we just take the first number and we multiply it by two, because everyone knows a basket is two points… Larry Bird, hell of a shot-maker. Led the Celtics — did you ask me for help?

Then why are you saying that isn’t right?

Ms. Marshall taught you a different way?

Well, I’m not Ms. Marshall. I’m a chef!

I’m a chef and I cook and clean and put food on your plate for you every night!

I’m sorry. No, you’re right.

Let’s try a different problem.

‘Jeremy missed the three o’clock bus. The next bus takes twice as long.’ Wow, Jeremy’s really having a week.

OK, so they don’t mention traffic, but there’s gonna be a lot at that time on a Tuesday, so —

I thought you wanted my help?

What’s not right?

No, I’m not a mathematician. I’m a chef! I make crab Rangoon so you can go to school!

Will you stop crying?

Please?

I’m the reason your grades are bad?

Well, we wouldn’t be having this problem if Jeremy could just convert at the baseline!

Maybe if Jeremy’s dad was shooting hoops with him every night, he’d make the team and be at practice after school, instead of missing the bus!

Oh, I’m missing the point? If Jeremy was real, I’d kick his dad’s ass!

Alright. Alright, Miss Pre-Algebra.

Why don’t you ask your mother?

DEBBIE!

--

--

Casey Dexter
Slackjaw

Casey lives in London and works in publishing and entertainment. caseydexter.org