Legends Of The Wahl

Pitching new shows for the Wahlberg Televisual Universe

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1. Wailing Wahl: Inspired by his partnership with subscription prayer app, Hallow, Mark visits Jerusalem and tries to bring peace to the Middle East by suggesting that everyone just convert to Catholicism instead. Download salvation today!
2. Wahl-E: Mark is tired of being asked for autographs, so he buys a small tropical island as a getaway for him and the family. The only problem? Its windward beaches are covered in trash! An intimate record of one man’s lonely year collecting plastic flotsam, jetsam and several thousand Transformers: Age of Extinction toys that fell off a container ship near the Marquesas.
3. Tear Down This Wahl: Mark, Donnie and at least one of the others take turns being roasted by former Soviet apparatchiks. The Russians don’t have a clue about NKOTB or the Funky Bunch, but they do know bloated capitalist pigs when they see them. Will the boys stand tall or will they crumble when this cold war turns hot?
4. The Wahlking Dead: Mark provides helpful tips for surviving a zombie apocalypse, such as being suspicious of people whose jaws are hanging off and always aiming for the eye sockets. Remember, it’s not a hate crime if they’re already decomposing.
5. Another Brick In The Wahl: These guys don’t need no education! Using only their Boston street smarts and endless waistband elastic, the Wahlbergs head to the southern border where they solve illegal immigration — family style.
6. Better Call Wahl: Follow Donnie as he gets hired and fired from a number of provincial law firms. A Limited Series.
7. Wahlville: Mark arranges to have himself adopted by a childless couple from rural Kansas. Using state of the art special effects provided by his friends in Hollywood, Mark convinces his adoptive parents that he’s an alien with extraordinary super powers. The audience learns something obscure but intuitive about American values.
8. Take Me Out To The Wahl Game: The boys stop off at Fenway to recruit players for the ultimate colonial grudge match — Eton wall game. First played before Columbus set sail, it usually ends with biting, gouging and broken limbs, so much like a normal Saturday night in Southie. Those snooty Brits better watch out, because “the brothers are coming, the brothers are coming!”
9. The Wahlburghers Of Calais: The golden arches might have struggled in Paris, but that’s not going to stop the guys from bringing their signature cuisine to a pop-up in the grounds of the Musée Rodin. Le Big Mac? Wait until you get a load of Le Big Mark flipping patties beneath the French sculptor’s bronze hymn to stoic self-sacrifice.
10. Wahl Street: Oops, they did that one already.

Philip Walford mostly ghostwrites for a living. The work he’s prepared to put his name to can be found at Vox, Substack and other publications.