Let Me Explain Why Asian Characters, Minorities, and Women Don’t Belong In Star Wars

As a human being who has been a fan of the Star Wars movies for nearly decades (I’m 19 going on 20), it is my basic human right to violate the human rights of any persons involved in the Star Wars franchise, which has defined every fiber of my being, every midichlorian.

Star Wars belongs to me, so I use my brilliant words that are essentially and quite literally mean comments on the internet to convey this. Beyond just being a white man like Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Emperor Palpatine, Anakin Skywalker, Tarkin, and many more, I have contributed so much to this particular franchise: my time, my money, and the coy pond in my backyard which I had built to give me an idea of what it’s like to live on Naboo.

In “Star Wars IV: A New Hope” (1977), the barkeep at a Cantina (it’s like a bar but you can shoot people) on Tatooine refuses C-3PO and R2-D2 (both droids, in case you didn’t know) service, and proceeds to kick them out of his establishment.

And that’s exactly what I want to do to Kelly Marie Tran, Daisy Ridley, Oscar Isaac, John Boyega, Benicio del Toro, and every other person in the Star Wars universe who doesn’t look like me — except Donald Glover. Loved him as Lando, and I fuckin love “Atlanta.”

The shameful, cowardly director Rian Johnson who only got this gig by directing a few of the most mediocre episodes of “Breaking Bad,” is another person who belongs in the outer rim and deserves my BITING WRATH. Who, in their right mind, would think it’s ok to cast Asian women in a Star Wars movie? How does one even explain where they come from? You can’t just say “ok here’s a Rebel from Japan.” Japan doesn’t exist in the galaxy.

By casting Kelly Marie Tran (AND OTHERS) in “Star Wars VII: The Last Jedi” (2017), Johnson not only ruined my childhood, but my life. How can one stay engrossed in the world that once captivated them so, when all they’re looking at is a bunch of WOMEN and minorities? It isn’t logical. It just ISN’T. Don’t ask me: think about it. Heck, Wicket the Ewok makes more sense than Kelly Marie Tran, or Oscar Isaac. I’m not gay, by the way, but come on: objectively that guy is NOT that attractive. Anyone can look like that, in my quite humble pinion.

I take these movies seriously and personally, as one should. And that’s why I’ve spent the past seven months of my life aggressively commenting things like “ignorant slut!” and “fucking life ruined fuck you bitch” on Kelly Marie Tran’s Instagram photos. I got to hit where it hurts (Instagram), and I know they say names never hurt anyone, but I’m pretty sure my cutting,eye-opening ones do.

It’s like what Emperor Palpatine says in “Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi” (1983): “So be it, Jedi!”

For my essay about why the casting of Tessa Thompson as Valkyrie in the MCU is DIRECTLY responsible for hot women being repulsed by me, go to Reddit.