Let Me Tell You About My New MLM, The Borg

I know what this sounds like, but let me assure you — The Borg is not a pyramid scheme!

Image by ando.video, licensed by the author.

Hey Girl!! 💁🏻‍♀️

I know we haven’t talked since high school, so I wanted to check in on you!! I saw you post something devastatingly personal about your mother’s health on Facebook today, so I thought it would be a great time to send a message about an incredible opportunity that might just be a really good fit for you!

I have joined THE BORG! Yes, it’s true!! I’ve been assimilated ❤️ It’s honestly the best decision I have ever made. All my life I have been searching for a hive-minded tribe like this and I have finally found it! I love being part of a team that is truly building a perfect galaxy together, and I think you would love it too!! 👯‍♀️

I am so thankful 🙏🏻 that I no longer have to work a regular 9–5 job. I’ve taken back my power and I can work on my own terms, basically every single hour of every single day! ⌚️ You can work constantly without ever lifting a finger. You simply plug in to our existing network, which has been proven successful again and again.

All you need to do is assimilate. It’s so so easy. Nanoprobes do all the work for you — just forcibly inject them into your new teammate’s bloodstream and the tiny bots will handle the rest. They’ll be a mindless drone working for the Collective before you know it! Assimilate your mom and her quilting group. Assimilate your husband and his entire air-hockey league. And it might feel a little early, but you can absolutely even assimilate your kids to spend more time with them!

As soon as you join, you’re given your cortical array implant and neural transceiver. Every promotion gets you a new body modification! Once you assimilate 8 people, you reach the ocular implant 👁 level. After 16, your entire body is refitted with synthetic organs. Right now I am well on my way to getting my third promotion which would give me my exoskeleton and superhuman strength!! 💪🏻

At the very top is Borg Queen 👑 status. Not many people have reached this level, but when you do, you will get your very own Borg Cube◾️ to pilot. Then you can scour the universe assimilating every species you find to add to your…