Let’s Look On The Bright Side Of This Kidnapping!

I’m now on a first-name basis with your parents.

Photo by Katie Harp on Unsplash

Wednesday

Welcome to your kidnapping! Don’t worry, this should be over in time for prom. Are those knots tight but not too tight? Good. Okay, time to call your parents about the $3 million ransom. I’m going to be rich, Robbie!

You’re Theo? Sugar honey iced tea, I was supposed to kidnap your brother. If you weren’t blindfolded, you’d see how embarrassed I am.

Well, they would’ve paid $3 million for Robbie; for you, they’re offering $150K. They obviously value the brother who got a scholarship to play quarterback for Michigan more than the brother who can’t hold a summer job at Pirate’s Cove Adventure Golf. Shocker. You’re disappointed? How do you think I feel? Hey, it’s still better than my teacher’s salary.

Now smile for your proof-of-life photo. A real smile.

Thursday

Theo, did you pee yourself? The toilet is right there. This is why I tied your hands in front. I’ll get the Lysol. Again.

Okay, your Dad is golfing, but I tracked down your Mom at her cheese-making class. Wow, I don’t know how you offended them, but… now they’re thinking $122,750 is more realistic for someone as “ungrateful” as you. Ouchie.

Jeez, it’s hot in here. Have another sip of coconut water. No, sorry, I can’t take off your blindfold. If you can identify me, I’ll have to kill you, thus the blindfold and thus this Welsh accent. Yes, it’s Welsh. I’ve been studying Rob Brydon’s stand-up specials on YouTube.

It seems your parents see this as a teachable moment, so they have conditions. First, how important is that stupid goatee to you? Let’s be honest, it’s barely a goatee. Agree to shave it or they walk.

Friday

Their outgoing message said they were going to Hilton Head for the weekend.

Straight to voicemail again. You know what? I bet they’re driving.

Finally got them! Good choice on losing the goatee — we’re still in business. Next on their quibble list: why this obsession with theater? Why this disdain for financial security? When they sat through…