Let’s Not Pretend I’m The Only Dentist Making Sculptures Out Of Teeth

Daniel Shar
Jun 11, 2020 · 3 min read
Image courtesy of Peggy_Marco on Pixabay

The media wants to vilify me. My patients want to sue me. The National Dental Association wants to revoke my license. Let them, let them, let them.

I am far from an anomaly, and I am happy to be a martyr if it helps bring about acceptance for my fellow art-thodontists.

For those of you who somehow missed the ongoing nationwide effort to assassinate my character, I am Donald Teloh, DDS, and — like most of my colleagues — I make sculptures out of teeth.

Last week, one of my patients snuck a few extra helpings of nitrous oxide, stumbled into the basement of my practice, discovered my private art studio, took subpar photographs of my works in progress, and fainted.

I’m neither embarrassed nor ashamed of my creations, which the patient has repeatedly maligned to the public as “gross-ass, sharp-ass sex dolls made of human mouth bones.”

Having my self-portraits misunderstood and criticized like this doesn’t really bother me. What upsets me more is the fact that my unfinished magnum opuses were prematurely exposed to the world in such low-res images.

I also take issue with the most common comment being left on these blurry pictures, as I am not, in fact, a serial killer. Rather, I am a prolific dentist and would-be World Record holder for Most Root Canals Performed if not for the close-minded gatekeepers at Guinness.

Furthermore, I detest the theory that I conducted needless operations in order to acquire all the teeth on display in those poorly framed snapshots. The truth of the matter is I am lucky enough to live in an area where 52-ounce sodas cost one dollar, and 8-balls of methamphetamine cost a hundred.

In rare instances where I need sculpting materials but lack patients’ donations, I simply buy teeth on Craigslist, eBay, Facebook Marketplace, or UndergroundTeethTrade.biz. Yard sales, funeral homes, and the underbellies of children’s pillows are also big hubs on what we call “the plaque market.”

Now, I suspect this window I just provided into art-thodontistry will soon be covered in a fog of stigmatization. However, it’s plain to see that if dentists weren’t mining your mouths for art supplies, there wouldn’t be any upside to the cruel (albeit necessary) procedures we perform.

Some people mistakenly believe that we take pleasure in creating pain and misery every time we scrape/drill/fill/pull/jackhammer/steamroll your teeth. In reality, these are vital steps in our artistic process, and they do come with the benefit of adding non-zero amounts of joy and beauty to the world — or at least they will, now that I have paved the way for all the other oral health multi-hyphenates to unmask their full selves.

By the bye, it’s not just dentists; nearly everyone who has ever entered the field of medicine has done so to make tons of money and tons of art. I know a brain surgeon who puts tumors into blenders and paints murals with the resulting juices. My proctologist’s immersive theater show is a one-of-a-kind sensory experience. Banksy is an obstetrician who stencils with placentas.

So go ahead and cancel me if you must, but please understand that I am far from the only doctor who creates pieces of beauty by using pieces of patients.

Also, please sign the forthcoming Change.org petition to have Etsy approve the launch of my shop, MakeEmSayAhhh.

Lastly, now that the cat is out of the bag, on behalf of dentists everywhere, I’ll ask that you please continue to abstain from flossing, as your gum blood makes a wonderful lacquer.

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