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Local School Board’s Statement Regarding The Upcoming Semester, Decoded

Picture by Ketut Subiyanto via Pexels

Dear Parents, Students, and Staff,

Hello to the people who have been complaining about us on Twitter and Facebook,

In order to adhere to social distancing guidelines, we have elected to cancel our school board meeting and issue this statement instead.

We are terrified to catch this virus, so we refuse to be in a room with anyone.

However, we are absolutely sure that students and staff can safely return to school in just a few short weeks!

Our contracts do not stipulate that we have to step foot in a school, so this clusterfuck of a plan won’t affect our health or sanity.

The past six months have been filled with uncertainty, but we are confidently moving forward with plans for the fall semester.

Data and mandates change daily, but we are pretending like we have devised a foolproof plan that will carry everyone through the next five months.

We have been working closely with a coalition of partners, health experts, and the state department to create a path forward.

We scanned a few New York Times articles and the superintendent texted her son, a med student in residency, so we’re well-versed on these issues.

We value the comments from parents and staff, and we are sensitive to your needs and concerns.

You provided semi-coherent public comments and terse responses to the survey we sent out, but honestly, we will just plod forward with the plan we had already decided upon before we even requested your feedback.

Transportation services will continue, but buses will only be filled to 60% capacity. Please expect bus route changes to occur.

Organizing this system will be a logistical nightmare that literally no one will be able to design. You should probably get your kid a bike.

We will ensure that each school site will be able to guarantee space for adequate social distancing.

Some classes will take place in hallways, janitor’s closets, and the cafeteria.

Although many are reluctant to return to the classroom, the health and safety of our students and staff is of utmost importance to us. A multi-layered approach to sanitization will be taken.

So… it’s been years since we even stepped inside a school, but we imagine that it’s fairly easy to keep a classroom full of students clean and sterile. That being said, teachers should have enough time during the workday to ensure each child washes their hands multiple times and wipe down desks and light switches and doorknobs as needed, right?

Despite fears about adequate staffing and acquisition of cleaning supplies, there is no cause for concern. For example, custodial staff will conduct deep cleanings every evening at every school site.

Since budget cuts have allotted for one janitorial staff member and exactly one hazmat suit for each building, it’s unlikely they’ll be able to disinfect every inch of the school each day.

At all times, students and staff will be required to wear school-appropriate masks that cover their mouth and nose to prevent the spread of illness.

Masks cannot contain any divisive symbolism such as the color red, the color blue, the color white, sports teams whose names are offensive and/or appropriate culture, and Lady Antebellum. Licensed characters ok, but, as of late, Paw Patrol has been deemed controversial.

However, those masks may be removed during snack time, lunchtime, and indoor recess.

It’s a scientific fact that germs cannot be expelled or shared during these activities, so it’s all good. No worries.

As of now, sports will continue as scheduled so long as social distancing can be strictly enforced during practices and gameplay.

Sports really aren’t going to work out but, for the time being, we want to stave off the inevitable onslaught of angry parent phone calls about this issue.

Despite massive budget reductions, the district will ensure that each student has access to a device and reliable Internet service.

Actually, we have no fucking clue how we’re going to pull this one off.

Although we are in the midst of “uncertain times,” we are confident that this school year will be a memorable and successful educational venture.

Buckle up, folks. This year is going to be a complete shit show and, honestly, a bit of a wash.

Continue to send us your thoughts and concerns; we appreciate hearing from our community members.

All of your emails and comments are automatically sent to an unmonitored account.

We promise to continue to communicate any and all updates to ensure a smooth transition back into the school year.

We’ll keep sending daily emails containing vague statements that do not include consistent, logical, or effective plans as we have no clue what a regular school day actually entails, so we can’t offer any constructive ideas.

Enjoy the rest of the summer!

Have fun staying inside!

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