Looking For Baby Names? German Cemeteries Are The Place To Be!
Millennial parents have it rough when it comes to babies. Raising politically correct eco-Mozarts is a full-time job. But before even considering sending your offspring to ballet, cello, and fencing, you need to name the little shit.
Finding the perfect name is the most challenging part of being a parent. And rightly so. After all, the name determines everything from the degree of cuteness to career choice to whether or not the little one is going to take care of his old, slightly passive-aggressive, and emotionally unstable mother.
The most exceptional pool of baby names out there is just a quick flight to Berlin away. I’m talking about German cemeteries. Obviously. Though, if you want the Wurst de la Wurst, focus on small university towns.
Why German, you wonder?
Easy.
Nothing screams high culture more than German culture. Yes, yes, you also have the French and the English, but be honest: Do you want to end up with a smug poodle-owner or a drunken empiricist? Of course not.
When exploring German graveyards, there are three important things you need to know:
1. Stick with old gravestones. Names of people born after WWII are Scheiße.
First of all, Germans have gone soft to the verge of stupidity when it comes to naming their children. Good old Wilhelm and Heinz have now become Justin and Kevin.
But that’s just a side note.
The reason why you should only consider old gravestones is that they show results. You see, back then, Germans didn’t waste any precious space with the R.I.P. type of engravings. They kept it simple: name, date, and, most importantly, profession. You’ll know for sure what works and what doesn’t.
Do you want a professor? Then go for Ulrich.
Is your child going to be a doctor? Otto is what you’re looking for.
Poet or philosopher? Place Friedrich on the list. Preferable as a middle name following Johann.
Karl is either a lawyer or a judge. Oh, and it’s Karl, not Carl. You don’t want Carl. He’s weak, winy and will end up a sleazy clerk.
And the list just goes on: Burkhard, Hans, Jürgen, Siegfried, Gottfried, Horst, Arndt, Walter, Jochen, Dietmar, Alois are just some of the most exceptional citizens of the past.
On second thought, strike Alois off the list. He was Hitler’s father.
2. When it comes to girls, it might get tricky.
What works for boys, doesn’t work for girls. A century ago, women didn’t get to do much. Officially. If you’re lucky, you might find some teachers (Emma or Lotte), but that’s about it.
Don’t get your hopes up about finding a Gertrud listed as a university dean. She might be the dean’s wife, though. And that’s where you need to pay attention. Who married whom?
Eloise, Aiko, Frida, Gisela, and Karolina, were all well off being married to Klaus (architect), Ernst (pastor), Immanuel (banker), Helmut (mayor), and Reinhard (imperial knight — hot, I know). They also got to keep their maiden name on the stone, which is a big plus. Karolina even has a statue highlighting her virginity to match Reinhard’s potent armour. What more could you wish for?
Maybe avoid Wilhelmine, Gudrun and Hubertina. Yes, they got good matches too, but come on!
3. The Nazi-Dilemma.
Like all good things, German baby names come with a price. When choosing a solid Hans, Franz or Dorothea, you must accept that there’s a 100% chance of there being some random member of the Nazi Party who bore the same name your precious child is about to be born into.
Is this price worth it?
Definitely!
If you stay away from Adolf, you should be fine. Just make sure your sweet, sweet Heinrich becomes more like Heine and less like Himmler. This is why signing up for one of those fancy private kindergartens is crucial. Preferably, two years before the baby is conceived.
Lastly, if you’re not completely sold on the idea of German cemeteries, and you believe a quick search on the world wide web suffices, allow me a final point: You don’t make the trip just for the names. You do it for the browsing experience as well. And believe me, there’s no better way to feel alive.
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