Looking For New Roommate to Gentrify This Neighborhood With

Irving Ruan
Jun 20, 2017 · 2 min read
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The third bedroom just opened up for rent in our cozy and modern three-bedroom, three-bath brownstone apartment. We’re looking for a clean, friendly, and young professional to join our lovely home as we continue our glorious journey of world gentrification.

A little background on the people you’ll be potentially living with: we’re two young professionals who recently moved here from another gentrified neighborhood. I am a 24-year-old male who works in investment banking, and my hobbies include cooking, collecting mason jars from artisanal pickle shops, and weekend yacht trips with Tom Selleck. Randy, the other roommate, is another 24-year-old male who works at a hedge fund and just absolutely loves brunch, slightly more so than a person of his age ought to. As you can imagine, we’re pretty similar people with the same outlook on life, differentiated only by our favorite flavor of certified farm-to-table Kombucha.

Randy is unfortunately not friends with Mr. Selleck.

The apartment comes with:
• Hardwood floors
• Newly renovated Venezuelan quartz countertop
• Self-driving washer and dryer (as seen on the Ellen show)
• Furniture locally sourced from West Elm
• State-of-the-art Ethiopian ivory bidet toilets
• A 1993 vintage dishwasher designed by Gianni Versace
• Rooftop access

Public transportation is one block down the street if you’re into that sort of thing. For your fitness needs, Equinox is a ten-minute drive away. Randy and I usually get there by taking a horse-drawn carriage piloted by our private and extremely opinionated chauffeur, Fabio.

We are also walking distance from Whole Foods, which is the only grocery store we buy our food and weekly supply of self-importance from. If you bring back food from other grocery stores, please label it. We like to maintain boundaries and differences in socio-economic status.

As ultra-elite members of the American bourgeois, we’re passionate about cultivating a shared space of similar perspectives that don’t challenge our sense of identity in this world. As long as you’re clean, friendly, and embrace the same high-income earning world view as we do, you’ll fit right in.

Rent is $9,400/month and does not include utilities.


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Irving Ruan

Written by

SF-based comedy writer. Words in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Funny Or Die, CollegeHumor, and elsewhere. http://irvingruan.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Irving Ruan

Written by

SF-based comedy writer. Words in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Funny Or Die, CollegeHumor, and elsewhere. http://irvingruan.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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