Lose 20 Lbs In A Day: A Guide To Self-Amputation
Summer is arriving fast, and you’re overweight. You’ve added notches to your belt. You need two hands to get up from lying down. You and your genitals have a pen-pal relationship.
Maybe you promised your wife you’d lose the pounds. Maybe she gave you a deadline. Maybe your marriage depends on it.
Now the deadline is looming and, like a deer in headlights, you’ve turned to desperate measures. You’ve turned to me.
With this guide, I guarantee you’ll lose weight quickly without killing yourself by exercising.
1. Choose the limb
My Nan used to say: you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few legs. Personally, I’m going to remove an arm. After all, you need both legs to walk, but do you really need both arms? Realistically, one hand is an intricate machine capable of incredibly delicate tasks. But the other is the defective inbred brother — he can barely write! Prune yourself of cumbersome imperfections and lose the weight. Sounds like a win-win to me.
2. Tie the tourniquet
A tourniquet cuts off blood to your chosen limb (avoiding severe blood loss) and prevents the anesthetic from reaching the brain, so you can focus on sawing it painlessly. I would recommend doing this entire procedure sitting on a mat on the floor, to prevent mess. Hm… that feels too tight. Loosen it up a bit! You need to be as comfortable as possible.
Fun Tip: If you have any roommates, or if your wife didn’t leave you because of your inability to look after yourself and your poor impulse control, ask them to help you.
3. Apply the anesthetic
Be very careful with the needle! You don’t want to accidentally nick any other part of your body, otherwise, you might get too disoriented. Remember to apply disinfectant before you inject yourself with whatever you could get your hands on. No reputable pharmacist would ever sanction this, so you should turn to “small local businesses.” By now the skin in the area should be incredibly numb! You can tell if the tourniquet wasn’t applied properly whenkj ksdbh rwuo ooooooooooooo
4. Start sawing
What happened?
Wake up and try to take a bearing on your situation.
Why is everything spinning? And blurry? Blame it on the nerves and push through.
Now, grab the saw, drop it, and grab it again. Then, gently, start sawing through the arm. Normally, this would cause incredible searing pain, but because you applied anesthetic you should only feel incredible seARING PAIN. OH MY GOD. Why isn’t it working?!
Maybe the bald guy sold you a dud! Nan always said you shouldn’t trust a man with face tattoos.
You power through. You’ve gone too far to turn back now. This is bleeding way more than you expected. Somehow you blame the bald guy again.
If you’re still feeling groggy from whatever the hobo spiked you with, that’s completely normal! You’ve got time. Your arm isn’t going anywhere…yet ;)
Feel free to let the darkness envelop you and embrace the sweet release of the void.
Just for a second.
5. Bandage
Wake up again! Wonder why you’re lying in a pool of your own blood. Pray it didn’t seep into the carpet and move on! It’s time for the hard part: bandaging!
Fun Tip: I’d recommend reusing the tourniquet! Be efficient with the tools you have!
Turn to your newly formed “stump” for the tourniquet and… Wait. It’s not there? Where did I — oh it’s on the other arm. When did I — ?
Oh
Oh God
Panic as you realize the full repercussions of what you’ve just done. You cut off your good arm! That’s why there was so much blood…
Oh God, you’ve lost so much blood!
Get up! Get up and call an ambulance! Flounder as you realize you’re too large to get up one-handed. How are you going to get help?!
Fun Tip: Always have 911 ready on standby in case something goes wrong. Like Nan used to say, hindsight’s 420.
Oh God! This can’t be how you die! Maybe you could write an SOS and slip it out of the letterbox! Yeah, do that! Grab a pen and start writing.
Stupid left hand! It looks like a child with Parkinson’s wrote this!
Oh God, oh God
6. Enjoy life 20 lbs lighter
It’s difficult to explain how peaceful one feels towards the end. Maybe it’s the blood loss. Maybe it’s the heroin/bleach cocktail I put in my body. But as I slowly feel the life ebb from my body, I can’t help but find solace in the wise words of my Nan:
If a man loses fat, he’ll be underweight for a day. But if a man loses a limb, he’ll be underweight for the rest of his life.
