Make Epcot Great Again

It’s time to put an end to the globalist World Showcase conspiracy

Geoffrey Line
Jun 4 · 3 min read
Photo by Nathan Langer on Unsplash

My fellow Floridians, it’s an honor to be with thousands and thousands of you today in front of a beautiful, giant golf ball.

I’m here today as your Commander in Chief, wearing one of these wonderful MAGA Mouse Ear Hats, because something very bad is happening, something very terrible, and it’s time.

It’s time to make Epcot’s America Pavilion strong again. It’s time to make the America Pavilion safe again. It’s time to put an end to the globalist World Showcase conspiracy and Make the America Pavilion Great Again!

You know, it used to be America First.

Now, look.

Wherever you walk around the world, all you hear is noise — they call it music — from China, China, China.

And just look at what’s happening across the pond — across the lagoon. Fake London has become a sanctuary city for tourists. No attractions! Just gardens. Shrubs. Little benches. And foreign, very dangerous tourists sitting around. Sad!

The horrible, failing Canada Pavilion has nothing to offer. Zero. But, there’s beaver tails. Beaver tails! They tell me Justin makes them behind Niagara Falls. Extremely delicious by the way. But bad for US funnel cake sales. Bad for Trade!

Norway’s ok. I like Norway. I like people from Norway. They can come here if they want. Have you seen my daughter? You have. Gorgeous. She looks like she could be from Norway.

You already know what I think about Africa. And you know what? I’ll tell you something: Epcot’s Africa is a shit hole, too. Believe me. Totally undeveloped. They don’t even have a ride.

And then there’s the terrible, pile of garbage: Mexico. Mickey Mexico! Full of rapists. Full of murderers. Some of them, operating the little indoor boat ride, I assume are good people.

As your sworn leader, it is my top priority to protect you from the Disney Cartels. It is my highest duty to keep you safe from the Mouse 13. Which is why we are going to build a wall, a great big wall, all the way around Epcot’s Mexico.

I know, our pavilion doesn’t even border Mexico. But Norway does, and Norway’s rich. And we’re doing bipartisan on this one. We’re going to make Norway build the wall. From Future World to Oslo. No cast members will be scheduled for work at America’s Liberty Inn until it gets funding. Zero.

I tell you, it’s going to be bigger and better and stronger than any wall you’ve ever seen. I’ve had a look at the prototype. And what we’re doing is pretty fantastic. What we’re doing with this wall has never been done before. At the top we’re going to have Frozen, we’re going to have Elsa. Great, big Elsa! Animatronic Elsa right there, like the Statue of Liberty. Bang! So, when a little Dreamer girl climbs up, excited for her little illegal future, first thing we tell her is “Let It Go.”

As you know, we’re fighting back against the Fake News climate scientists who oppose development. We’re actively working on getting rid of The Land and destroying The Living Seas.

And when we’re done, we’ll get to work on emptying the disgraceful World Showcase Lagoon so that we can finally Drain the Swamp! It’s expensive. It’s a disaster. It’s full of ducks, and we’ve got a lot of work ahead of us. It’s going to be a big, big water job.

I tell you, I’m going to make this Spaceship Earth into a Spaceship Force!

Then we’ll celebrate.

I’m thinking tanks. Big, beautiful tanks for a big beautiful parade. And don’t tell anyone: invisible planes.

That’s my kind of World Showcase. That’s my kind of America Pavilion. Just like Walt and our founders wanted.

By the way, I’m taking the golf ball to Mar-a-Lago.

Slackjaw

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Geoffrey Line

Written by

Canadian-American writer. Spent two years at sea as a high school teacher on a Norwegian tall ship. One in Japan. geoffline.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Your source for the Medium funny.