MANUFRACTURE Is A Brutal DIY Experience Where Only The Strong Survive
Only the weak call it knitting, sewing, or wreath design…
Follow the screaming death metal to MANUFRACTURE (formerly Hobbyist’s Habitat), a place to churn out sick gear with deadly equipment and reasonably-priced materials. To enlist in our project boot camps, just sign our assumption-of-risk waiver and tell us how to reach your next of kin.
Check out our upcoming builds:
Door Halo: Two-week sessions; 10:00 a.m. Tuesdays with Drillmaster Blaze, $50 plus materials. The grunts in this boot camp use guns loaded with hard cylinders of ammunition. The guns liquify the ammunition into molten sludge. Use the sludge to weld lethal jungle plants onto round, jagged lengths of wire. Are you afraid? Then don’t bother signing up, because you’ll also be pounding a letter made of sheet metal into the center of your Door Halo, and we wouldn’t want you to cut your flaccid, pampered hands. Grunts strong enough to complete the build get their choice of textile to hang their Halos on their front doors. (Most choose camo.)
Spiked Webmaking: Six-week sessions; 2:00 p.m. Mondays and Wednesdays with Drillmaster Ace, $200 plus materials; measuring tape required. Grunts will use sharp metal spikes and skinny rope to make repeating knots. The spikes stab the rope into disciplined rows of knots. The knots make webs you can drop on home invaders like a strangling blanket, or webs you can wear on your torso and arms under a jacket, especially if it’s witch-tit cold outside. We supply skinny rope in light colors so you can learn to read your stitches — knots, we mean. So you can read your knots. Like Morse code.
Memorial Mounting: Four-week sessions; 1:00 p.m. Saturdays with Drillmaster Lars, $100 plus materials; specialty stickers extra. Learn to use round, razor-sharp tools that are basically concealed-carry-sized skill saws, but manually operated. They could take off a finger if you push hard enough. You probably can’t push hard enough, you pathetic worm. Grunts will slice into items of significance and mount them with powerful adhesive into heavy Memorial Tomes. Each Tome commemorates important memories, like that time you crushed the Spartan race or ate twenty-four hot dogs in twenty minutes.
Stabbing Textiles: Six-week sessions; 3:00 p.m. Sundays with Drillmaster Jax, $150 plus materials; silk, velvet, and trim extra. Uses skinnier rope and smaller, deadlier spikes than Webmaking. The spikes are connected to a high-powered motor that drills them down like pistons, over and over and over again, at face-melting speeds. These lethal pistons will stab through anything, as long as it’s some kind of textile. Grunts will assemble a tactical assault bag that can be worn across the chest, on the waist, or on the shoulder.
Badass Shit on a Cord: Four-week sessions; 6:00 p.m. Fridays with Drillmaster Gunner, $200 plus materials. Grunts will make badass shit to wear on their necks, like a shark tooth hanging on a leather thong, a small Viking sword hanging on a leather thong, or a nonspecific tribal talisman hanging on a leather thong. We also have hemp cord, but please note that our puka shell supplier is currently embargoed. Participation in Badass Shit on a Cord is a prerequisite for registration in next month’s Badass Paracord Rescue Bracelet tutorial.
What are you waiting for, permission from your Mommy? Your Mommy doesn’t shop here.* Prove you’re not a sniveling waste of testosterone and enlist today at MANUFRACTURE, located two doors down from Michael’s, in the Shoppes at Rosebud Plantation.
- Your mother is welcome to shop here. MANUFRACTURE proudly honors our predecessor’s “Crafty Moms Club” and its 10% discount.
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