Marvel Rejected My Political Movie Ideas

Yes, I’m afraid my leap to writing for the big screen is delayed yet again. I sat down with Kevin Feige and laid out my vision for some new Marvel movies, but he dismissed me, calling the pitches “unsubtle” and “pretty angry.” Can you believe it? Well, they’re not getting made, but I don’t want to let them go to waste, so here they are!

Captain America: This Country was Built on Slavery

In this wild fantasy, Captain America convinces Dr. Strange (crossover! big money!) to use the Eye of Agamotto to send him back to 1756. Using a smartphone (sponsorship opportunity!), Captain America captures footage of slaves literally building America, while Bucky gets footage of slavemasters treating their slaves extremely poorly. A villain called Super Slavemaster tries to confiscate the footage, because he’s so into slavery, but Bucky & Cap defeat him and return to the present. They hold a press conference, documenting their adventure & releasing their footage; all the white people who think slavery wasn’t so bad change their minds, and the government figures out a reparations plan that works for everybody. 112 min., PG-13.

Captain America: The Civil War was 100% About Slavery

Here’s a sequel that would be pretty cheap to make, as the sets could be more or less the same and the story is pretty similar. Captain America uses a magical chrono-pool in Asgard (another crossover!) to go back to 1861, and record the leaders from every seceding State saying that they definitely are seceding because they love having slaves more than they love America. After fighting a new Super Slavemaster, who turns out to be Confederate President Jefferson Davis, Cap returns to the present and holds another press conference. All the white people who just loooove Confederate flags so much because they’re suuuper into “Southern pride” either burn their flags or admit that they’re huge racists. 184 min., R.

Iron Man: Hiring Squad

Diving deep into the businessman facet of Iron Man’s character, Iron Man hires a bunch of poor people to work in his factories, which are OSHA-compliant. In the movie’s climax, he encourages them to form a union, because workers shouldn’t rely on the beneficence of a single person in management. What if the board of directors fires Iron Man, or reverses his practices during a short-term dip in profitability? They unionize. 94 min., G.

Squirrel Girl The Movie

I mean why the fuck isn’t there a Squirrel Girl movie, Kevin? How about she fights ICE, in a really fun & quirky way? She could save a bunch of families from being destroyed by the racist, jack-booted thugs known as ICE. I mean I’d sure watch that, Kevin! 109 min., PG-13.

Thor: The Climate Migrants

After defeating a jotun who stomped on a climate migrate camp in China, he stops for a second and asks why all these people are in the camp. After someone explains climate change & climate migration, Thor just sits there for a full minute, mumbling “What the fuck, what the fuck” to himself. Then he snaps out of it, and calls his mom, Frigg. She comes down to Midgard, reverses the temperature increases of the past century, restores polluted & depleted groundwater reservoirs, and destroys every single oceanic & arctic oil drilling facility. Thor then rounds up the executives, current & retired, from every oil company, and executes them with Mjolnir on a livestream (could be facebook, YouTube, twitch; another big sponsorship opp!). The two then sternly warn all the rich people & major corporations of the world that if they don’t stop fucking the planet, they’ll be next. There’s a post-credits scene of Iron Man watching the stream with his unionized employees, and he’s like “Someone remind me to send him some flowers.” 97 min., NC-17.

Ghost Rider: Thin Blue Line

This one is just Ghost Rider going around attacking evil cops who got away with stuff. He lashes them with his flaming chain, and uses his Penance Stare to make them admit they’re pieces of shit in front of their friends and family. The only other real dialogue is the cops pleading for help, and Ghost Rider explaining why they deserve to burn in Hell. It’s over 25 hours long, and I get why Feige didn’t go for it. 1,507 min., NC-17.

Captain America: This Country Still Runs on Slavery

In this exciting conclusion to the trilogy, Captain America reads the text of the 13th Amendment for the first time, and realizes that the amendment abolishing slavery actually keeps slavery legal as punishment for crimes. He then holds a press conference about it and, frustrated that there’s no one person he can punch in the face to fix the problem, founds a not-for-profit working toward prison reform. Bucky shoots President Trump, as he does not have the patience to work in a 501(c)3. In a post-credits scene, we see him shooting every other Republican politician, and then we see Democrats signing immigration, labor, & criminal justice reform laws with Bucky’s gun to their heads. 103 min., R.

Well, what do you think? Would you watch these? Let me know!

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