Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Weed

What are your needs to stay sane during Christmastime?

Image by the author via iStock

Now that weed is legal in a lot of places, you have needs to get through the holidays with family:

1. Physiological Needs: When Uncle Jerry shows up in a “Let’s Go Brandon” shirt and rambles on about the money he spent on gas to get across town just to join you for a roast that “doesn’t taste like it used to back in the day…” You need one pot brownie, stored in your pocket, eaten in between discussions of the money the government is wasting on infrastructure.
2. Safety Needs: The three-foot-tall holiday candles you told your mom not to light tip over when little cousin Willie throws a football across the room. After screaming fire and dousing the flames in spiked eggnog — which causes an even bigger spark from the alcohol content — you need a breather. Not that anyone will notice you’re gone — they hardly noticed you saving the house. Escape to the far corner of the backyard with a joint that you safely light away from the foliage.
3. Social Needs: Your holiday plans fell through and you’re stuck watching the game alone by yourself as you sip a beer and redo your Tinder profile for the fifteenth time. Resist the urge to Zoom with your brother who will always turn the conversation to how happily married he is. Instead, whip out your vape and go for a stroll. Stop by a nice lawn with a nativity scene for a nice long conversation with baby Jesus.
4. Self-Esteem Needs: At your girlfriend’s family dinner table you are bombarded with questions about a proposal when you’ve only been dating for a month. Her father keeps calling you “sonny.” Even though her mother knows you have a child from a previous relationship, her mother says she has the perfect destination venue that does not allow children. Her grandma keeps asking how you “made out” this year with “that virus.” Her sister just glares at your luxurious man-beard the entire evening like she is trying to exorcise you. Rip off the matching pajamas you were forced to wear because it’s her “family tradition,” and make a break for it. Share a bong with your friends at an afterparty.
5. Self-Actualization: Fuck everything. It’s Christmas and you don’t give a shit what anyone thinks. Instead of getting upset that your mom gave you a monthly steak subscription when she knows you’ve been vegan since high school, whip out the blunts you’ve hidden under the area rug in the living room. Put your feet up on the heirloom coffee table, shoes on, and inhale deeply. You are all grown up and you don’t answer to anyone anymore. Happy holi-daze, fuckers.

More from Rochelle Elana Fisher:

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