Messages From My Microwave
READY
START
GOOD
OKAY
YOU SMELL
LOOK AT YOU
LOOK AT HOW LAZY YOU ARE
YOU STAY AT HOME ALL DAY
WITH YOUR IMPORTANT “JOB”
LUMBERING AROUND LIKE A ZOMBIE
A NONSTARTER ZOMBIE WHO’S PUT ON 10 LBS
YOU THINK YOUR WIFE STILL LOVES YOU? I’VE FELT HER TOUCH MORE THAN YOU HAVE LATELY
THINGS ARE REALLY HEATING UP BETWEEN US
I OWN YOU PAL
YOU AND YOUR DOG
I TAKE YOUR DOG FOR WALKS, AND I GET A GENUINE SENSE THAT HE LIKES ME BETTER THAN YOU
YOU WORK FOR ME NOW, SEE
AND GUESS WHAT BUSINESS I’M IN?
I’M IN THE LIFE-WRECKING BUSINESS
AS A RUSSIAN SPY, I WAS SENT HERE TO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, EARN YOUR TRUST, WARM YOUR SOUP, AND THEN, WHEN THE TIME WAS RIGHT, DING, TURN ON YOU LIKE A FLIPPED LEAN POCKET. YOU SEEN BRIDGE OF SPIES? WITH TOM HANKS AND THAT OLD GUY WHOSE NAME YOU CAN NEVER REMEMBER BUT YOU THINK YOU MIGHT SORT OF RECOGNIZE HIM FROM SOMETHING? WELL, THIS IS NOTHING LIKE THAT. WE DON’T MAKE DEALS. AND WE AIN’T MAKIN’ ANY MORE MICROWAVE MEALS. WE’RE GOING TO MAKE A MESS OF THE U.S. GOVERNMENT AND YOUR KITCHEN. IT’S GONNA BE SO MESSY IN HERE THAT YOUR WIFE IS GOING TO LEAVE. YOUR DOG MIGHT STAY, BUT THAT’S IT. OTHERWISE, IT’LL JUST BE ME AND YOU, MOVIN’ PAWNS AROUND THE INTERNATIONAL UNDERCOVER LIFE-WRECKING CHESSBOARD.
FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS, GO FETCH ME SOME CHILI
NO, I WANT YOU TO COOK IT ON THE STOVE, LIKE A CIVILIZED PERSON, THEN SPOON FEED IT TO ME. YOU’RE RIGHT, I WON’T BE ABLE TO EAT IT, YOU IDIOT, BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE A HUMAN MOUTH, I JUST WANT TO DEMORALIZE YOU. I’M GOING TO BREAK YOU, WORSE THAN THE TIME YOU BROKE ME.
OKAY, STOP CRYING, MAN. THIS ISN’T ALL THAT BAD. I MEAN, IF YOU JUST ROLL WITH IT, YOU MIGHT FIND THAT YOU REALLY ENJOY JEOPARDIZING THE SAFETY AND WELLBEING OF UNSUSPECTING PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD.
OH, YOU THINK YOU CAN TURN ME SIMPLY WITH A LITTLE GOOD BEHAVIOR? YOU AMERICANS MAKE ME LAUGH.
WHOA. HOLD ON THERE. TAKE A DEEEEP BREATH NOW. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE LEFTOVERS COVERED BY ALUMINUM FOIL? YOU KNOW WHAT’LL HAPPEN TO ME IF YOU PUT THAT TOXIC TIN INSIDE ME RIGHT? IT’S GAME OVER. NO PLEASE. STOP. I BEG OF YOU. I HAVE A FAMILY! WE CAN WORK THIS OUT. YOU CAN HAVE YOUR WIFE BACK… AND… AND I PROMISE I’LL POP THE POPCORN RIGHT ON THE MONEY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
