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Military Appreciation Football Game Production Script

“Marines, Sailors, Coast Guardsmen, Airmen and Soldiers unfurl American Flag at New York Giants military appreciation game Nov. 20” by NYCMarines is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Attention all game day production staff: As you all know this Saturday is our Military Appreciation Football Game. Because of this, there will be changes from the usual in-game playlist, pregame routine, and PA segments. Below is the tentative script for Saturday. Please make yourselves familiar with it, but note that it is subject to change.

Pregame:

  • 30 minutes before kickoff: Mascot makes first on-field appearance with the addition of a camouflage shirt over the costume (very tasteful)
  • 15 minutes before kickoff: Jet flyover to remind the vets without object permanence what a jet looks like.
  • 10 minutes before kickoff: National anthem is sung by either an old vet or a seven year old girl, I guess to remind us of innocence or who we’re protecting. If any players are kneeling, shoot on site.
  • 8 minutes before kickoff: National anthem ends with fireworks shooting out of the scoreboard, triggering anyone with PTSD.
  • 3 minutes before kickoff: Veteran to be named later walks out for coin toss as honorary captain. Old, black-and-white photo of him playing football in a thin leather cap is put on the big screen. Should walk onto the field at a slow enough pace that the crowd is unsure of how long to applaud.

1st Quarter:

  • Media Timeout: Play ’Til My Dying Day’
  • End of 1st Quarter: Fix camera on a U.S. Navy officer’s wife standing on the field. PA announcer tells her that there’s a special surprise. Play video message from husband who is stationed overseas, allowing them to share this private, intimate moment with 80,000 strangers. PA announcer tells her that there’s one more surprise. Michael Phelps, The Women’s National Soccer Team, and all living members of the 69’ Mets greet her on the field. Just as the wife reaches peak confusion/sensory overload, PA announcer tells her there’s one more surprise. Navy officer husband emerges from the tunnel, riding a chariot that’s being pulled by the two buffest male cheerleaders. He’s not actually overseas you idiot, he’s right there.

2nd Quarter:

  • Team Timeout: Play ‘American Soldier’
  • Media Timeout: Play ‘American Pie’ (close enough)

Halftime:

  • The band plays their rendition of ‘America the Beautiful’ (or is it ‘My Country Tis of Thee’?) while changing into a different formation representing each of the five branches:
  • A tank for the Army
  • An anchor for the Navy
  • An eagle for the Marines
  • A ship for the Coastguard
  • A Dell Desktop for the Air Force
  • Color guard waves flags that have like three stars and five stripes on them. Flags that look like we couldn’t afford the rights to the United States’ flag.

3rd Quarter:

  • Team time out: Play ‘God Bless the USA.’ It’s late enough in the game that people are drunk enough to forget the extra-long pause and start singing too early.
  • Media Timeout: Play ‘Born in the USA’
  • End of 3rd Quarter: The home team’s quarterback blows a Nam vet at midfield.

4th Quarter:

  • Media timeout: Play that song that goes ‘I got soul but I’m not a soldier’: a song that at first listen sounds like it could be about the military, but upon deeper examination of the lyrics, is just about being a Mormon missionary. I mean the actual lyric is ‘I’m NOT a soldier.’
  • End of 4th Quarter: Armed Military Parade marches from one end zone to the other. All hail glorious leader Kim Jong U-uhhhh, Dwight Eisenhower!

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Kyle Qualls

Kyle Qualls

21 Followers

Aspiring comedy writer featured on Points In Case and Funny-ish. He bets you’re not man enough to contact him at kyleaqualls@gmail.com with a job offer.