Mobility Walkers Needed! Help Disgraced Male Moguls Appear Sympathetic And Earn Big $$$

R. Daniel Lester
Jan 31, 2020 · 3 min read
Photo by Free To Use Sounds on Unsplash

Disgraced Male Mogul Image Transformation, Inc, the industry’s top-rated agency, seeks walkers to join their roster in the exciting, fast-paced world of the mobility aid being used by the disgraced male mogul to make the public think they’re old, feeble, sickly and generally worthy of sympathy instead of vitriol and hate.

Are you a brand new walker or a gently used one between the ages of 0–3 years old? Are you out of work, collecting dust on a showroom floor, or underutilized by your current employer and only brought out for boring trips to the senior’s home cafeteria? Do you want more from your career than weekly, lame-o taxicab excursions to the grocery store or severely slow 3 pm shuffles to the communal mailbox? Do you want to make big $$$ for only a few minutes “work” as you pose in front of cable news cameras for feature exposés or print journalism photographers for above-the-fold articles?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions then we have the opportunity of a lifetime for you! Fame! Fortune! Travel! All of this and more is possible when you sign on with DMMIT, Inc.

Just imagine how your life will change when your services are suddenly in demand and very well remunerated as you assist the crème de la crème of disgraced male mogul like Fortune 500 CEOs, major Hollywood film producers and top-tier, A-list celebrities. You’ll instantly be an integral part of our company’s image transformation team as you work with such fellow professional colleagues as Limp, Wrinkled Suit, Stubble, Vacant Eyes and Worried Looking Personal Assistant to present a carefully-crafted image of your male mogul as they vie for reduced jail time or a not-too-guilty judgment in the court of public opinion.

If you’ve worked as a mobility aid before, forget the cramped, smelly quarters of public transit or the cluttered backseats of nephews’ Honda Civics as they drive their Aged Aunts to doctor’s appointments. No — limos, SUVs and private jets will be your new modes of transport as you’re whisked from photoshoot to photoshoot, from Hamptons vacation estates to criminal trials and back again. One day you might be getting photographed in such a glamorous location as the sidewalk between a luxurious downtown New York City apartment building and a waiting Lincoln Town Car and the next the narrow stretch of marbled floor between the elevator and a courtroom door on the second floor of a Los Angeles municipal building prior to a closed hearing.

Sound too good to be true? Well, it’s definitely not!

We practically guarantee you will be working within hours of joining our roster of talented, sturdy mobility aids because they are simply so many male moguls that have been disgraced, are being disgraced, or about to be disgraced that we can barely keep up with demand.

And if you’re a wheelchair, cane, sling, or orthopedic boot, don’t worry, we have opportunities for you as well! As long as you meet our strict requirements, DMMIT, Inc is a proud equal opportunity employer (even if the male moguls we represent sometimes aren’t) and we need mobility aids from a wide range of background and experience.

So what are you waiting for? All you have to do is visit the DMMIT website, fill out a short, online form so we can get to know you and attach a recent photo.

*Please note that desirable candidates will look pristine on camera and have no dents, scratches or otherwise external damage. Also, extreme discretion and an easy-going, non-judgmental personality that can work with practically anybody, even the most horrid of disgraced-male-moguls-that-are-also-often-convicted-or-soon-to-be-convicted-criminals-and-general-all-around-scumbags-who-may-or-may-not-be-up-to-their-same-old-tricks-who-knows is a must.

Join our team today. A new life awaits YOU.

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Thanks to Sarah James

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