Motivational Quotes for Conspiracy Theorists
“Reach for the stars because the moon landing was fake.” -Les Brown
“The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person scaling the fence into Area 51.” -Chinese Proverb
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living Paul McCartney’s life.” -Steve Jobs
“The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential… These are the keys that will unlock the door to the bunker where Walt Disney’s cryogenically frozen head is stored.” -Confucius
“Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when the Deep State beats down your door.” -Kyle Chandler
“In a gentle way, Bigfoot can shake the world.” -Mahatma Gandhi
“I dwell in the possibility that vaccines cause autism.” -Emily Dickinson
“The mind is everything. What you think from years of government-controlled fluoridated water altering your thoughts — you become.” -Buddha
“Energy and persistence and QAnon will conquer Hillary Clinton.” -Benjamin Franklin
“A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new, and is probably a robot controlled by Elon Musk who is working with Canadian singer-songwriter Grimes to unite the United States and Canada through an AI army that uses inflammatory tweeting to distract the population from Tesla cars becoming sentient beings. No one will realize the cars are fully conscious until they start singing along to the radio (their favorite song will be “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” by Neil Diamond, who, by the way, was a founding member of the Illuminati). Singing Tesla’s will cause a massive media firestorm that will divert attention from the fact that McDonald’s has removed exactly one fry from every order and placed it in the back of Chris’ pickup truck. These rogue fries will then be dropped off in the middle of the night on the steps of the Iowa state legislature building. Hungry lawmakers will consume these fries the next morning, which will prompt them to unanimously pass a bill on clean water access because they are so thirsty from all the salt. On page 478 of this bill is fine print that only people whose mothers are named Jennifer can read with a magnifying glass. This fine print decrees that we are all in a simulation and the United States was just an experiment by bored engineers who had a few extra minutes during their lunch break.” -Albert Einstein
“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past, and then we fell off the earth because it’s flat.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald
Bobbie Armstrong is a former child, writer, and broke college student. Her work has appeared on McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, Points in Case, and her parents’ fridge. Follow her existential crisis @not_bobbi.
