Mountain Dews And Mountain Don’ts: The Ten Commandments Of Neckbeardry
Kon’ichiwai kouhai, and congratulations on taking the first step to understanding the way of Neckbeardery. Not for the faint of heart, it is a delicate balance between honor, discipline, and intelligence. Follow along, and you will inch towards our hidden knowledge. Lose your way, and you will perish back to the normie realms.
Make Pilgrimage And Pay Homage
At least once in your life, you should pay homage to the holy city: Akihabara (also known as Electric City) is to the Neckbeard as Mecca is to the devote Muslim. A round trip ticket from the west coast will cost you 85,000 Yen. A small price to pay for an experience that will never die. Authentic Manga magazines, 25 cents apiece. Tenga eggs, $5 a dozen. There are rumors you can still buy a holographic Charizard in near-mint condition for under $30.
Put aside 10% of your earnings every paycheck. Depending on the minimum wage laws in your state, you should have enough money for a plane ticket in 12–18 months.
Earn Not, Spend Not
If it is fortune that you seek, I suggest you seek elsewhere. The opportunity cost for pursuing Neckbeardery is grim. Vital supplies like Sun Chips and Mountain Dew should only be procured from a reputable wholesaler like Costco. They are competent enough to keep a well-maintained stock, but not intelligent enough to notice you have been using your mother’s Costco card for the past six years.
Only in the case of an emergency (you are running late to E3, a Magic The Gathering tournament, et cetera) should these items be purchased from a convenience store or a gas station. You already spend enough time at work, no need to be there whilst pursuing The Way.
Thou Shalt Stay Grounded
You are born of this earth and shall stay close to it. A proper Neckbeard voluntarily confines his or her living arrangements to the humble basement suite. A garden unit with windows no larger than 48" is acceptable if the house is owned by a relative.
There Shall Be No Other Gaming Device Before The One Device
It started with PC gaming, and it will end with PC gaming. No Neckbeard shall own or covet a console gaming system. You are not some spoiled latchkey kid from Santa Monica. You are Telgorek, a Night Elf of the 80th level. Have some self-respect.
Honor Thy Fruits Of Labor
Any video game characters you create must advance at least 10 levels per month. A true neckbeard gets their hands dirty. Grind out those experience points. You have yet to spread your seed, so think of all video game characters as your children.
Protect Thy Neck And Honor The Crown
Being a strong and disciplined warrior comes with the freedom to choose what you wear. Contrary to popular belief, wearing a Fedora and growing a neckbeard are only preferred, not required. A neckbeard of at least 1/2 inch in length adds +5 defense against any strikes to the throat. Contemplate the armor bonus, and make your decision.
Maintain Thy Temple
Your body is a temple, and the world is religious. To operate at an optimal skill level, one must maintain a healthy Body Mass Index of 37.5, +/- 1 point.
Show No Mercy
It is 3 am on a Friday night. The screams of a recently pubescent teenager echo through your headset. The game is Gundam Heros, and you have sent your not-so-worthy foe back to the lobby.
In times of war, a Neckbeard does not hold back. Mercy is reserved for games like Harvest Moon or Animal Crossing. When you are engaged in hand-to-hand Mortal Kombat, there can be no hesitation when the coup de grâce is required.
Study The Blade
A true Neckbeard knows the three most important weapons are the Kusarigama, the Shuriken (also known as a throwing star, by the uninitiated), and the Nunchuck. Anyone who says weapons aren’t necessary has watched too much Dragon Ball Z.
Take Care in Matrimony
Romantic endeavors are frowned upon, but not forbidden. A Neckbeard must choose their partner wisely. Do they know the difference between a Katana and a Nodachi? Is their favorite flower the Black Lotus? If not, you may have to drift through their gaze like Howl’s Moving Castle. The only hot pocket in your life should be filled with pepperoni and cheese.
This is the core distillation of Neckbeardry. I cannot say more, lest I give away secrets that are not mine to give. Thank you for taking an interest in The Way, I’m sure the pleasure was all yours. If you think you have what it takes, and are interested in joining our ranks, you can reach us by e-mail.
Telgorek Brutor
AlphaWolf8069@hotmail.com
