Mrs. Sally Johnson To Retire From Blow-Jobbing
She leaves behind a legacy of diligence, technical efficacy, and mild TMJ
Co-written by Jennie Young and Christopher Shelley
At the Johnson family dinner last Sunday, Mrs. Sally Johnson, expressing a mixture of excitement and regret, announced her retirement from blow-jobbing. She will be stepping down (or up, really) from a position she’s held for an astonishing forty-two years, beginning when she married Mr. Harold Johnson on June 28th, 1978 (officially, anyway. As far as Mr. Johnson knows this was her first blow-jobbing job). She leaves behind a legacy of diligence, technical efficacy, and mild TMJ.
Mrs. Johnson recalled her early enthusiasm for blow-jobbing, wistfully remembering how her drive to succeed inspired her to dive deep and soldier on to the salty end. “But you know youth,” she said. “How quickly my tastes evolved, how I came to prefer literally any other taste. Literally. I mean really literally any other taste in the entire world, literally.”
When asked if she will miss the job, Mrs. Johnson burst out laughing but then quickly recovered herself to say that while there are certainly aspects of the position she’ll miss, such as the opportunity to efficiently bring projects to completion, other parts left her with a sour taste…
