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My Guided Meditation Will Help You Achieve Enlightenment And Give You Exclusive Access To My Timeshare In The Finger Lakes

Graeme Carey
Slackjaw
Published in
4 min readApr 20, 2021
Image by mohamed Hassan from Pixabay

Hello, and welcome to this guided meditation. My name is Gregory, and for the next ten minutes, I will be walking you through a few breathing and visualization exercises. The goal of today’s session is to help you achieve a greater sense of calm and clarity in the mind, and to present you with a once-in-a-lifetime real estate offer that you simply can’t pass up.

Before we get started, make sure you’re in a comfortable position. You may be seated upright in a chair, cross-legged on the floor, or even lying on your back in bed. Just throwing it out there, but perhaps you would be most comfortable reclining in a cozy Adirondack chair somewhere in, say, I don’t know, Central New York, nestled between scenic Syracuse and historic Rochester? Just a suggestion. Whatever feels most natural to you. Any chair around the house is fine, too.

To begin, I want you to close your eyes and imagine that you are in your happy place. For some this may be on a beach, with a warm breeze blowing against your face and the sound of waves gently crashing in the distance. For others it may be in a lush garden, surrounded by colorful flowers and fluttering butterflies. For others still it could be – and I’m just spitballing here – on a dock…

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Graeme Carey
Graeme Carey

Written by Graeme Carey

Humor writer: The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, and Points in Case. More at graemecarey.com

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