My Super Fun And Fascinating Quarantine Newsletter!
By Polly Duff Kertis and Catherine Weingarten
Hi, friends! I know times are tough, so I just wanted to send this newsletter to brighten your day. The silver lining of this unprecedented time is that I’ve been rocking my free time with cooking, crafts, not thinking about the universe swallowing us whole, and being really productive. I’ve been trying to turn #lemons into #lemonade and keeping myself so, so busy! Enjoy!
Salty Sanitizer
I made some hand sanitizer from make-up remover, pasta cooking water, and my tears of wild despair. My old roommate made fun of me for hoarding that Hydroflask full of tears, but she was so wrong!
Cleaning Fun!
I cleaned my kitchen for the fourth time this morning and only spiraled into the hopeless void of uncertainty a record low of three times! My teapot has never looked this on point!
Busy Baker
I’m getting so good at baking! I was defrosting my freezer, and I found some Totinos Pizza Rolls encased in ice in the back. After carving them out, I made them for breakfast, and they came out PERFECT, so I ate them all!
Cozy COVID Craft Corner
After making masks for everyone in my extended family, I’m making adorbs medical-grade PPE for my mom’s yorkipoo. Check out my next newsletter for photos of him modeling them! What a stupid cute dum-dum!
What I’m Bingeing
I finally watched all 21 seasons of Law & Order: SVU! Now — bonus! — I get so many jokes I’ve been missing for years, but every night my demon bat nightmares are now also about obstruction of justice :(
Rekindling Old Flames
It’s a great time to reconnect with loved ones, so I decided to call my ex-boyfriend Ched to see if he might want to get back together. He said to please lose his number and to stop sending “ironic” death threats to his wife Cathy!
Getting Out
I went out today to get toilet paper and ran into someone from my high school. When I waved at her, she ignored me. I got closer than six feet to make sure she knew it was me, and she said to stop sending her death threats and then saying they were meant to be ironic. Anyway, it’s always nice to share a small moment of connection in these trying times!
Puzzle Update
I feel so productive! I finally finished the 50,000-piece puzzle of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey’s faces. Now onto the 100,000-piecer of the Kardashians.
Mom Bonding
I called my mom Gloria to check in on her because she lives alone and is pretty lonely. To entertain her and remind her that her life isn’t that bad, I read her some Law & Order: SVU teleplays so that she would get all the references in my detailed descriptions of my nightmares. She always tells me she hates TV, but maybe she’s being ironic??
Zoom Dating Misadventures!
I went on a Zoom date with this dude Bred who kinda looks like Ched — so hot! But — potential deal-breaker! — he hasn’t seen seasons 17–21 of Law & Order: SVU. So all we had to talk about was contact tracing. Then I got distracted by looking at my face and wondering why my pores are so big, and twenty minutes later I realized Bred had hung up. Maybe I’ll hit him up again, but only if he catches up on SVU.
Caramel Popcorn
I ate the whole bag!
Sexy Texts
I got a text today! I thought it might be Ched trying to apologize and get back together and have a baby, but it was just from the COVID infobot.
As you can see, I’m really using this time to do me and connect with others in the most socially responsible way I can! Thanks so much for reading — and don’t worry about being in suspense about what else I’ll be up to because — bonus! — I’ll be sending these newsletters daily until life gets back to normal! Air kissies, and stay safe!
