My Superfood Cupcake Business Ruined My Life And Drained My Bank Account And The Same Fate Is Available To You Today

What do you say? Love, light, and free introductory course with purchase?

Nikki Campo
Slackjaw
Published in
3 min readMar 8, 2021

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Illustration by Shane Swinnea

Hi there, farmers’ market shopper! Feeling sluggish today? Come alive with a $14 superfood cupcake! It’ll change your life just like it changed mine. For example, if I don’t sell all of my cupcakes — and recruit a new distributor — I won’t make rent because cupcake sales and team building are my only source of income. Crazy!

You see, I used to be your everyday, gainfully employed ovo-lacto-vegetarian. But then I met Sheila the Health Guru online. Sheila convinced me that superfood cupcakes are the key to physical vitality and mental clarity, and the key to your very own ailing cupcake stand in lieu of a stable job. I could introduce you two!

Get this: I used to not even know the difference between cocoa and cacao — and I obviously didn’t anticipate the price premium on the latter back when I had vision and dental insurance.

Once you meet Sheila and sign up for the program, you have full access to the “email instructor” feature. I could be your instructor. Sheila was so correct about occasional bloat, even if she was so wrong about prioritizing chia seeds…

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Nikki Campo
Slackjaw

Essays and humor. The New York Times, The Washington Post, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Good Housekeeping, The Belladonna, Slackjaw. Twitter: @nikkicampo.