Navigating Your Sex Scene With Gary Sinise
Hey, movie star! Oh my god, totally kidding. You are a working actor, at best. Big day: you and Gary Sinise are going to pretend to have sex and it will be captured on film. Yuck. But don’t trip: if you follow these tips, you can get through this and STILL have a chance to play a barista on NCIS: New Orleans.
These are in no particular order because your life is clearly spiraling out of control.
Gary is going to think it’s a fight scene. Do not give him any indication it might be:
The moment you come within striking distance, Gary will be ready to engage in stage combat. Gary was told numerous times he would never be a romantic lead and that he should only learn how to stage fight larger men. But now Netflix needs movies to endlessly scroll through, so Gary has become an untrained sex machine.
Out of habit, Gary is looking for any hint of what attack combo you are about to use. Give him no hints. If you at any point raise your arms or ball up your fists, Gary will throw air punches, or look to throw you on a landing mat off camera. Again, this is a sex scene: if he throws you, there will be no landing mat. You will get very hurt.
The best way to remind Gary of the scene’s context is to make your hands into a heart shape and repeatedly bounce them off your chest while saying “hubba hubba”. This lets Gary know this is a loving scene. If Gary understands, he will most likely say out loud that he was born in Blue Island, Illinois. That’s intimate!
Gary has deep scowl folds. Clean them!
Gary has spent a life being upset at the world. This has caused dust and debris from multiple continents to gather in the folds of his furrowed brows. Gary is too angry to shower. The fold smell is awful and Gary is not above blaming it on you. Hollywood is not fair. His folds need to be cleaned, and you need to make it happen.
Well, not you. You’re the talent. Gary’s assistant is named Puster. Grab Puster. Tell Puster to do a full unpeel and scrub. Puster knows what that means.
Do not thank Puster. Puster knows that kindness is weakness in this business, and he will ruin you.
Do not be alarmed by Gary’s genitals:
Gary’s genitals are two Medals of Valor taped to a caucasian skin-colored Camel-Back drinking tube. Those are his genitals.
He did not lose his genitals in some accident. Those are his genitals.
As soon as the fake sex starts, Gary will become VERY stressed out:
Gary is not a sexual being. He doesn’t want to do this scene with you. But Gary is a perfectionist, and if he feels the chemistry is not right, you will be shooting this scene all day. Make Gary comfortable. Hold him tenderly by the back of his neck and whisper the end credits of CSI:NY. Do not skip out on the grips or the lighting crew. Those are all of his favorite people. They are his friends. He loves his friends, you fat pig.
Gary is going to thank you for your service:
Gary assumes that anyone who gives him extended eye contact or touches him is active duty military or a veteran of war. He will agree to take a photo with you and will be prepared to hear what you are going through in Afghanistan. Legally, impersonating a serviceman is a federal crime, but Gary will not allow the crew to go home until you tell him your hardships.
When you get home:
Don’t cry. That makes Gary furious.
Yeah, Gary Sinise lives with you now. Grow up.
